Will You Love Me Even with My Dark Side?

I recently purchased the CD of  American pop sensation Kelly Clarkson. There is one song that when I listened to it I found myself picturing mental health stigma and how the person living with mental health may feel. This is the power of musical lyrics. Bring these thoughts one step further into the perspective and through the eyes of a young man and what emerges is a vision of the tremendous vulnerability. Watch the video and read on...

* If I show it to you now, will it make you run away *

   

Being a young man and having a mental illness is a whole other dimension. In adolescence girls have bras and periods to contend with; boys have expectations and man up/suck it up attitudes to filter through. This is the discourse in society and it guides the individuals away from their emotions and into other things.

Being led astray from inner physiological sensations is very confusing, especially for a developing boy. The question how can a boy be angry at himself for feeling sad? is obvious, isn't it? 

* Please remind me who I really am *

The words in Clarkson's song Dark Side are included in full below. In black and white. Mental Health nor stigma are black and white. 

 * Everybody's got a dark side *

Read the song lyrics but envision the vulnerability. the strong emotions. hear the primal need. the need to be accepted and cared for. fundamental human needs.

If basic primal needs are unable to be honoured or validated the potential to induce risk to the adolescent is huge; this leaves an adolescent in a scary, scary place. The individuals do not know why it is scary and they do not need to know why it's scary. 

* Do you love me can you love mine *

As adults in the life of a child or youth that is our job; to open the space for the scary emotions, senses and feeling. A safe space. It is either by way of lived experience or being educated in the field that we know it's scary. Perhaps we have been there, been in that place or perhaps we have learned the intricacies of many psychological theories that bring our attention to the needs. Whatever it is leaving vulnerabilities swaying in the wind breeds insecurities, lack of confidence and low self-esteem. It just does and it is an adults job to help preserve vulnerability in our young people. 

* Nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it *

* Don't run away just tell me that you will stay promise me you will stay *

Be the strength in a young person's life, be the rock they can lean on!

#BoysNeedtoFeel

Dark Side Lyrics

By Kelly Clarkson

There's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
It can become
A few give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Copyright: Kelly Clarkson

Translate this experience to the child who walks beside you....

I came across this written piece that moved me and I wanted to share it with you all. As you read it I encourage you to reach that inner child within you and then translate the experience to your child who walks beside each and every day...Julie

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don’t.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it’s all right to cry.


When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I looked at you and wanted to say, ‘Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.

You are your children’s most precious gift!

Author Unknown

Week 6 - Just because I think feelings matter doesn’t mean they do….

In week six of the 10 week boys group our intention was to speak about feelings. This is not on the list of a young boy’s priorities however!

Emotion regulation is one’s ability to effectively manage the arousal of an emotion. This is in order to adapt the emotion and consequently reach one’s goals. For a child this emotion regulation could be useful during the interaction between them and the classroom teacher for example or in just paying attention to that ski instructor when he talks so that one can learn how to get down the hill!

For boys this concept of emotion regulation can be challenging. It is an intuitive process and the levels of emotional arousal can reach heights that begin to affect day to day functioning; especially when the environment is one that is not so flexible. A child/youth must be guided as to how to regulate these escaped emotions and escaped they are at times and escaped they were during this week of group! There was no talking about feelings, our planned topic for the week. The boys saw to it in their actions and in their pure silliness!

As the group facilitator and as a new CYC practitioner I am tested as to how to proceed with this important yet uncomfortable topic for the boys. There is a sensitivity I must acknowledge in moving forward. After all, how can one teach a boy that showing their emotions, how they feel on any given day and being re-assured it is truly okay - when society says something different?

There are discourses, rules and expectations that move swiftly in and around all of us on a day to day basis. These discourses are absorbed by the developing child who quickly learns expressing their feelings or showing their emotions is not okay. If the emotion or feeling gets the better of them and is openly displayed then it is shut down pretty quickly! For example, think close minor hockey playoff game…team loses meaning the end of an entire hockey season…young boy cries in the dressing room afterwards but is then ridiculed because of this emotional expression. Do you know of someone who has experienced this? It is even possible the ridicule does not just come from a peer but an adult too, maybe your boy hears your negative comment about the player who cried in the car on the ride home. This ridicule for the expression of emotion is not okay and should not be tolerated.

Deep feeling and crying breeds resiliency, teaches one to deal with diversity, teaches futility the ‘bounce back’, get through it and be okay on the other side - part of life. There is an emergence of maturation in this process; support and acceptance is the goal not separation or shame (Neufeld, 2004).

Teaching futility to a child/youth is one of the greatest gifts we can give.

For week seven I will concentrate on doing a hands on activity with the boys, something they can focus on but feel rested enough that when I do drop snippets of feeling information here and there they will be attentive enough to hear the messages. Just because I think feelings matter doesn’t mean they do!

#BoysNeedToFeel

P.S. Dr. Gordon Neufeld is visiting Ottawa, ON this April 2011!!

For details see http://www.gordonneufeld.com/

Resouces and References

Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more    

than peers. Toronto: Vintage Canada

Santrock, J., MacKenzie-Rivers, A., Leung, K., & Malcomson, T. (Eds.) (2008). Life-span development