Will You Love Me Even with My Dark Side?

I recently purchased the CD of  American pop sensation Kelly Clarkson. There is one song that when I listened to it I found myself picturing mental health stigma and how the person living with mental health may feel. This is the power of musical lyrics. Bring these thoughts one step further into the perspective and through the eyes of a young man and what emerges is a vision of the tremendous vulnerability. Watch the video and read on...

* If I show it to you now, will it make you run away *

   

Being a young man and having a mental illness is a whole other dimension. In adolescence girls have bras and periods to contend with; boys have expectations and man up/suck it up attitudes to filter through. This is the discourse in society and it guides the individuals away from their emotions and into other things.

Being led astray from inner physiological sensations is very confusing, especially for a developing boy. The question how can a boy be angry at himself for feeling sad? is obvious, isn't it? 

* Please remind me who I really am *

The words in Clarkson's song Dark Side are included in full below. In black and white. Mental Health nor stigma are black and white. 

 * Everybody's got a dark side *

Read the song lyrics but envision the vulnerability. the strong emotions. hear the primal need. the need to be accepted and cared for. fundamental human needs.

If basic primal needs are unable to be honoured or validated the potential to induce risk to the adolescent is huge; this leaves an adolescent in a scary, scary place. The individuals do not know why it is scary and they do not need to know why it's scary. 

* Do you love me can you love mine *

As adults in the life of a child or youth that is our job; to open the space for the scary emotions, senses and feeling. A safe space. It is either by way of lived experience or being educated in the field that we know it's scary. Perhaps we have been there, been in that place or perhaps we have learned the intricacies of many psychological theories that bring our attention to the needs. Whatever it is leaving vulnerabilities swaying in the wind breeds insecurities, lack of confidence and low self-esteem. It just does and it is an adults job to help preserve vulnerability in our young people. 

* Nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it *

* Don't run away just tell me that you will stay promise me you will stay *

Be the strength in a young person's life, be the rock they can lean on!

#BoysNeedtoFeel

Dark Side Lyrics

By Kelly Clarkson

There's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
It can become
A few give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Copyright: Kelly Clarkson

My Instinct to Guard My Possessions versus Allowing Myself to Genuinely Engage with Others is Trying to Get the Better of Me

My Instinct to Guard My Possessions versus Allowing Myself to Genuinely Engage with Others is Trying to Get the Better of Me.

I recently ventured from home and into town to retrieve some steaks for dinner. My instinct to guard my possessions versus allowing myself to genuinely engage with another person is trying to get the better of me. I found myself having a renewed experience of what it is like to be treated with genuine kindness and respect and how this ultimately turned into positive feelings within me. I had to surrender to the experience; it was not without its struggles. Sounds silly doesn't it? It did to me too.

Because I work with children and youth and advocate for positive relationships between people, I work at building attachments I cannot help but make connections between my adult experiences and who I want to be as a helper to these kids. We never truly have things all figured out, it's always a work in progress. Always.

I drove up to a local garage to get air for a tire on my SUV. I did not have an appointment and had not previously spoken to anyone at the garage. They did not know I was coming on this day, nor did I frankly because I thought I had solved the problem of the "check tire" light a week ago. Apparently this was not the case; today I think there is a slow leak and now it is feeling odd when I steer, something is wrong. This did not happen last time and my thought process immediately brings me down the path of - I can't give up my car to get fixed! I don't have time for this! I push these thoughts away and temporarily plan to fill the tire with air again. It worked last time so I'll do it again and I'll be fine for now I tell myself believingly. But, I secretly know that I should not do this, more than likely the tire will go completely flat when I am ready to leave work at 12am and forty-five minutes from home! I know this yet I want to fill the tire with air anyways and carry on with my day. I'll get it checked another day.

As I proceed up to the air pump at the garage I speak with one of the mechanics standing out front I ask him for a tire gauge (this is what I did last time) I tell him what I think my problem is, that I have a slow leak. This gentleman is an older man, older than the teen I interacted with a week ago who quite distractedly filled my tire with air and carried on with checking out the antique car that had just pulled in.

He did what I asked him to and nothing more. I was satisfied with that.

On this particular day though the mechanic I spoke to says to me "Do you have something to do right now?" I say "Yes, I am going to get some steaks down the block".  He tells me "Go get your steaks and by the time you come back we'll have checked if there was a leak or not". Oh. I had not planned on that. Really? Is it that simple to get it fixed? I start to wonder (in the 1/2 second I have until the face to face communication starts to get awkward because I am obviously hesitating), do I just leave my vehicle with this man? My son's laptop is in there and this is my not so cheap SUV. Do I just leave it here and walk down a couple of blocks and get my steaks?

Reluctantly I reply "OK, I'll be back". I am making a split second decision to have faith that I will get my car and everything in it back just fine. This man is genuinely trying to help me because he wants to and because he can. He's just being kind I tell myself unconvincingly.

I venture down the block and spot two people I know and decide to go over and chat. Of course I mention my story and seek reassurance from them, my car is OK there, right? They reassure me that I have not been gone from town that long (meaning if I wasn't from town the car wouldn't be fine?!) and proceed to the butchery to make my steak purchase.

I do not know why I am thinking my vehicle and/or something in it is going to be stolen. My pessimistic thoughts start to diminish but they do not leave me entirely. My instinct to guard my possessions versus allowing myself to genuinely engage with others is trying to get the better of me. Is this what happens to us as we age? As we gain more understanding of the crazy world we live in and all the 'bad' things that happen? Can someone not make a nice gesture to help another person not be seen for what it is rather than a potential crime in progress? Stop being silly I tell myself. This is so much more about me than it is about anyone else.

I choose my steaks and the butchery owner starts chatting with me. He had spotted my boys at a local Motorsport venue a couple of weeks ago, he wonders if they want to take up the sport and he tries to sell me a motorbike. I smile and chat with him but all things considered all I want to do is leave. I have to get back to my car. This internal struggle of 'its fine' versus 'did I just hand over my car to be stolen' is nagging at me.

The simplicity of basic, primal human connection; trust, respect, kindness is very, very powerful. I know this intuitively and I practice this in all the work I do with kids but here I am being tripped up. I wonder why it is so hard in today's world. Have we lost a big piece of human relationships and how to connect with one another genuinely to wayward fears that the local garage repair shop is going to risk stealing my possessions? Are we (and alternatively am I) so broken in my life experiences that I cannot recognize genuine kindness? Whoa. This could be a big problem. This kind of thinking can, will and does leave our children and youth vulnerable and at risk.

We never have things entirely figured out. We must strive towards a life lived and "being comfortable being uncomfortable".   

I return to my vehicle at the garage. They are finishing putting the bolts back on and confirm there was a hole in the tire. They have repaired it. Fearfully, I ask how much it is going to cost. Having absolutely no idea and thinking because of the quick on the spot service they will charge me $80.00 or something ridiculous. Yes we have all experienced situations like this! He pauses and thinks, "Um $18.00 please". Wow! $18.00 maybe this is all legit I think. My doubt is starting to sway more at this point. I proceed to pay and once again return outside. There is a fancy gadget underneath my vehicle and I am told the tire now has to be torqued. OK, maybe I will run over to the coffee shop and grab a tea. The mechanic reaches into his pocket and hands me a toonie ($2.00 coin in Canada) and asks for a medium "double double". Is this really happening?

I start the chuckle to myself for the foolishness of ever doubting that my experience today in getting air for my tire is anything less than kindness and respect for mankind. This whole thing was just silly. At this point I tossed my steaks on the front passenger seat of my vehicle knowing they would be safe there until I returned!

My story doesn't end here. 

My faith is restored in the kindness of others as I am standing in line at the coffee shop to order our drinks. The man in front of me is ordering a wonderful lunch for his lunch date sitting at a nearby table. I observe the lunch date to be physically struggling with some kind of hand tremor. He looks old and frail, but not due to age more like life circumstances. Whatever he was struggling with he sure had a good friend treating him to a wholesome lunch and the "biggest hot chocolate" he could get. The look on the man's face when he got his lunch was priceless. It warmed my heart immensely.

The woman behind the counter looks and apologizes to me for taking a long time to help me with my order. What she doesn't know is that at this point for me, it just doesn't matter anymore. My faith in humanity has been restored, take all the time you need! It is not about me and needing to get anywhere, it's not about me worrying about my SUV or my son's laptop, I'm not worried at all anymore. This is small town down to earth goodness.

Always embrace openness towards others in your life. Challenge yourself to see the good in others before you see the bad. Life is too short. I am thankful for my experience and the new things I continue to learn about myself that can quickly get the better of any one of us at any time. Today was one of the most enriching day of my life, all thirty minutes of it.

#BoysNeedtoFeel

Translate this experience to the child who walks beside you....

I came across this written piece that moved me and I wanted to share it with you all. As you read it I encourage you to reach that inner child within you and then translate the experience to your child who walks beside each and every day...Julie

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don’t.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it’s all right to cry.


When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I looked at you and wanted to say, ‘Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.

You are your children’s most precious gift!

Author Unknown

Week 5 “Preserve the ties that empower…” (G. Neufeld)

This past week’s boys group was another successful one. Four of the five boys in group who attended a local tween dance I was chaperoning came up to me at the beginning of the dance to say hello. It is this small gesture that lets me know the attachment relationships are continuing to evolve in our group. It is at this time that we can begin to do the ‘hard’ stuff, the life lessons so to speak.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld speaks about making the relationship the priority. This is the case for any adult who is in the life of a child or youth. It could be a parent or a teacher. It could even be the guy at the local grocery store who is there week after week. A smile and a kind gesture can make a child or youth feel good, feel important. This is all it takes.

Dr. Neufeld says that “the child is more important than what he does”. So does that mean when the child yells F#@k you to your face that the relationship is still more important? Yes. The relationship must come first, the behaviour second. Let me explain further. If giving space and time for the child to express what he/she needs at that moment means accepting the yelled profanity then that is what we do. The individual child/youth has not only the right to that expression but also deserves the reassurance that the relationship is still intact. Once the relationship is made safe we can proceed with addressing the behaviour, the yelled profanity. Even as parents we must do this.

Here is an example I came across this week depicting one parent’s struggle to always love and show love to her child. Laurie is a mom of Zach, a 10 year old boy with a mental illness who has shown severe fits of rage at times. Have a look: Exposing-Family-Secrets-of-Mental-Illness-Video

Putting the relationship first with your child is no easy task.

In this fifth week of our boy’s building blocks group it is apparent now that the relationships have grown and evolved. As a child and youth practitioner my job is to create safe spaces for these boys. I am confident I have done that. The more in-depth work can begin now.

We plan to begin speaking about feelings for week 6 and week 7. What they are, what they look like to each one of us. This is the only topic we are dedicating two weeks to in our ten week group and this is the most important topic. The timing couldn’t be more perfect to begin these discussions with the boys. We have their attention and have now created a context for them in which to learn. Had we not used the first five weeks creating this context and building these relationships, there would definitely be some challenges. It’s not to say though that we don’t have our own natural challenges!

Working with five boys aged 9 to 11 years old is no easy task! The funny (ha ha) ‘let’s pee all over the toilet seats for the next guy’ kinda funny is present…but this is all taken in strides and boundaries are set. I am patient and remain committed to building relationships in order to plant seeds towards understanding. I will preserve the ties that empower these boys.

#BoysNeedToFeel

Resources

Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more    

than peers. Toronto: Vintage Canada

Week 4: The sensitivities of middle to late childhood...

I am doing this group for boys aged 9-11 years old because I believe boys need to feel and they need to know it is okay to feel a certain way and to share that with others without worrying about ridicule.

Boys aged 9-11 years old are busy boys. They are emotionally very sensitive. At this stage – middle to late childhood - these budding personalities are becoming more evolved in their understanding of who they are and how they are perceived. This is self-understanding and it increases at this stage in their young lives. Social comparison, essentially differences between one another, also increase and kids are beginning to take notice of their differences and the differences in others. This is a developmental shift. Do you have a child in grade 5 or 6 that you can see this happening?

Self-esteem and self-concept are also evolving in middle to late childhood. When social comparison increases self-esteem can begin to decrease as the youth evaluates him/herself as less than favourable when compared to their friends. Self-esteem is the “global” evaluation of self meaning the social comparison plays a role.

One can begin to understand the incredibly important developmental period and how it relates to boys in the context of feelings. If society says ‘suck it up’ and says it is not okay to cry then what message are we sending our boys? It is not a message of acceptance for who they are naturally. #Boys Need to Feel.

This week we spoke about bullying in our group. We did not focus on who was a bully or not. In fact I know for a fact that at least two of the boys in the group were labeled as bullies at school. This wasn’t important to me for the purposes of this group.

During a role play scenario prior to watching the videos one boy hinted at a bullying situation and pointed to another boy and said “You tell her”. This was a clue to me that this other boy may have been involved or at least had details of the situation and it also told me this little guy was not comfortable sharing what had happened. That is okay, I was not interested in pushing him into talking about something he wasn’t comfortable talking about.

We watched three videos. The first one was ‘The Price of Silence’ where one bully was shut down in the end because someone stood up to him and others followed. The second video was ‘Bullying or Not’ an explanation between what bullying is and what it is not.

After we watched the videos the little guy I just spoke about blurted out what had happened to him and that he indeed was the victim of bullying. What an amazing accomplishment for me as the facilitator of this group! To hear him rather quickly provide details of his situation during our group was awesome. This tells me we are creating the safe space these kids need to talk about their feelings!

I purposely ended group with a video of Mr. Nick Vujicic as an inspirational message and someone who likely would have been a victim of bullying. I assured the boys that I had every confidence that in any situation they have the power to stand up for someone they may see being bullied. This session wasn’t about who the bully is; kids know who the bully is. The session was about empowering the boys, giving them a voice, a script so to speak about what to do next time they witnessed someone being bullied.

#boysneedtofeel

Sources and Resources:

Santrock, J., MacKenzie-Rivers, A., Leung, K., & Malcomson, T. (2008). Life-span development.

The Price of Silence:

Bullying or Not?:

Nick video No Legs No Arms No Worries:

Week 3 – “All growth emanates from a place of rest…” (G. Neufeld)

What an amazing feeling moving from the trepidations of - Am I doing the right thing? Should I really do this boys group? Will they want to come back each week; to seeing the boys enthusiasm for group this week. Phew!

After pondering the next step regarding how to address the constant interruptions or to address them at all I decided to forgo this week’s topic on bullying. I did this in favour of having the boys continue to be comfortable in group to continue to open up. It was very relaxed and purposeful but not in the ‘specific agenda’ kind of way, just in the ‘letting boys be boys’ kind of way. At one point they found some old pillows and said they wanted to sit on the floor and watch the movie. Yeah, that lasted long! They were hitting one another within 5 seconds! PILLOW FIGHT! I think this is a tween's place of rest! 

I have no budget at all for this group so our meals together are low cost. This week the boys made Kraft dinner and hot dogs. You can tell they all really enjoy being a part of this togetherness. I sat and had opening circle with the boys first before we started preparing dinner and this did not go unnoticed. We have creating some simple traditions in the short three weeks we have been together and this is a wonderful sign that we are connecting. A really important element when running a group for kids aged 9-11 years old.

As the group continued who I would say has been the most disruptive, the most enthusiastic and unable to contain his excitement – Johnny just wasn’t himself tonight. Johnny has not been living with mom for quite sometime and there are some sensitive issues here that I am aware of. He was eager to please in preparing the dinner and very much enjoyed perfecting slicing cucumbers! He did such a great job. He likes to hide and scare me when he can – and, he gets me every time! Geesh!

One activity I do with the boys is a “How I am Feeling Today” activity. We briefly talk about how they are feeling on that day. I got a “scared” from Johnny…“There are bullies at my school” he said. Something was bothering him, now I know why he wasn't himself.

My co-facilitator and I are working with not only group dynamics but also trying to integrate the concepts of Dr. Gordon Neufeld in our work. He’s attachment based paradigm is a great addition to our work and one that I believe will help to create positive experiences for these little guys. At least that is my goal.

#BoysNeedToFeel

http://www.gordonneufeld.com/about/gordon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUHnMfa_aKE