My Instinct to Guard My Possessions versus Allowing Myself to Genuinely Engage with Others is Trying to Get the Better of Me

My Instinct to Guard My Possessions versus Allowing Myself to Genuinely Engage with Others is Trying to Get the Better of Me.

I recently ventured from home and into town to retrieve some steaks for dinner. My instinct to guard my possessions versus allowing myself to genuinely engage with another person is trying to get the better of me. I found myself having a renewed experience of what it is like to be treated with genuine kindness and respect and how this ultimately turned into positive feelings within me. I had to surrender to the experience; it was not without its struggles. Sounds silly doesn't it? It did to me too.

Because I work with children and youth and advocate for positive relationships between people, I work at building attachments I cannot help but make connections between my adult experiences and who I want to be as a helper to these kids. We never truly have things all figured out, it's always a work in progress. Always.

I drove up to a local garage to get air for a tire on my SUV. I did not have an appointment and had not previously spoken to anyone at the garage. They did not know I was coming on this day, nor did I frankly because I thought I had solved the problem of the "check tire" light a week ago. Apparently this was not the case; today I think there is a slow leak and now it is feeling odd when I steer, something is wrong. This did not happen last time and my thought process immediately brings me down the path of - I can't give up my car to get fixed! I don't have time for this! I push these thoughts away and temporarily plan to fill the tire with air again. It worked last time so I'll do it again and I'll be fine for now I tell myself believingly. But, I secretly know that I should not do this, more than likely the tire will go completely flat when I am ready to leave work at 12am and forty-five minutes from home! I know this yet I want to fill the tire with air anyways and carry on with my day. I'll get it checked another day.

As I proceed up to the air pump at the garage I speak with one of the mechanics standing out front I ask him for a tire gauge (this is what I did last time) I tell him what I think my problem is, that I have a slow leak. This gentleman is an older man, older than the teen I interacted with a week ago who quite distractedly filled my tire with air and carried on with checking out the antique car that had just pulled in.

He did what I asked him to and nothing more. I was satisfied with that.

On this particular day though the mechanic I spoke to says to me "Do you have something to do right now?" I say "Yes, I am going to get some steaks down the block".  He tells me "Go get your steaks and by the time you come back we'll have checked if there was a leak or not". Oh. I had not planned on that. Really? Is it that simple to get it fixed? I start to wonder (in the 1/2 second I have until the face to face communication starts to get awkward because I am obviously hesitating), do I just leave my vehicle with this man? My son's laptop is in there and this is my not so cheap SUV. Do I just leave it here and walk down a couple of blocks and get my steaks?

Reluctantly I reply "OK, I'll be back". I am making a split second decision to have faith that I will get my car and everything in it back just fine. This man is genuinely trying to help me because he wants to and because he can. He's just being kind I tell myself unconvincingly.

I venture down the block and spot two people I know and decide to go over and chat. Of course I mention my story and seek reassurance from them, my car is OK there, right? They reassure me that I have not been gone from town that long (meaning if I wasn't from town the car wouldn't be fine?!) and proceed to the butchery to make my steak purchase.

I do not know why I am thinking my vehicle and/or something in it is going to be stolen. My pessimistic thoughts start to diminish but they do not leave me entirely. My instinct to guard my possessions versus allowing myself to genuinely engage with others is trying to get the better of me. Is this what happens to us as we age? As we gain more understanding of the crazy world we live in and all the 'bad' things that happen? Can someone not make a nice gesture to help another person not be seen for what it is rather than a potential crime in progress? Stop being silly I tell myself. This is so much more about me than it is about anyone else.

I choose my steaks and the butchery owner starts chatting with me. He had spotted my boys at a local Motorsport venue a couple of weeks ago, he wonders if they want to take up the sport and he tries to sell me a motorbike. I smile and chat with him but all things considered all I want to do is leave. I have to get back to my car. This internal struggle of 'its fine' versus 'did I just hand over my car to be stolen' is nagging at me.

The simplicity of basic, primal human connection; trust, respect, kindness is very, very powerful. I know this intuitively and I practice this in all the work I do with kids but here I am being tripped up. I wonder why it is so hard in today's world. Have we lost a big piece of human relationships and how to connect with one another genuinely to wayward fears that the local garage repair shop is going to risk stealing my possessions? Are we (and alternatively am I) so broken in my life experiences that I cannot recognize genuine kindness? Whoa. This could be a big problem. This kind of thinking can, will and does leave our children and youth vulnerable and at risk.

We never have things entirely figured out. We must strive towards a life lived and "being comfortable being uncomfortable".   

I return to my vehicle at the garage. They are finishing putting the bolts back on and confirm there was a hole in the tire. They have repaired it. Fearfully, I ask how much it is going to cost. Having absolutely no idea and thinking because of the quick on the spot service they will charge me $80.00 or something ridiculous. Yes we have all experienced situations like this! He pauses and thinks, "Um $18.00 please". Wow! $18.00 maybe this is all legit I think. My doubt is starting to sway more at this point. I proceed to pay and once again return outside. There is a fancy gadget underneath my vehicle and I am told the tire now has to be torqued. OK, maybe I will run over to the coffee shop and grab a tea. The mechanic reaches into his pocket and hands me a toonie ($2.00 coin in Canada) and asks for a medium "double double". Is this really happening?

I start the chuckle to myself for the foolishness of ever doubting that my experience today in getting air for my tire is anything less than kindness and respect for mankind. This whole thing was just silly. At this point I tossed my steaks on the front passenger seat of my vehicle knowing they would be safe there until I returned!

My story doesn't end here. 

My faith is restored in the kindness of others as I am standing in line at the coffee shop to order our drinks. The man in front of me is ordering a wonderful lunch for his lunch date sitting at a nearby table. I observe the lunch date to be physically struggling with some kind of hand tremor. He looks old and frail, but not due to age more like life circumstances. Whatever he was struggling with he sure had a good friend treating him to a wholesome lunch and the "biggest hot chocolate" he could get. The look on the man's face when he got his lunch was priceless. It warmed my heart immensely.

The woman behind the counter looks and apologizes to me for taking a long time to help me with my order. What she doesn't know is that at this point for me, it just doesn't matter anymore. My faith in humanity has been restored, take all the time you need! It is not about me and needing to get anywhere, it's not about me worrying about my SUV or my son's laptop, I'm not worried at all anymore. This is small town down to earth goodness.

Always embrace openness towards others in your life. Challenge yourself to see the good in others before you see the bad. Life is too short. I am thankful for my experience and the new things I continue to learn about myself that can quickly get the better of any one of us at any time. Today was one of the most enriching day of my life, all thirty minutes of it.

#BoysNeedtoFeel

We can keep our kids engaged we simply must realize how we are seeking out the engagement.

By: Julie Clarke, BCYC, CYC (Cert.) 

                                  

When we are asked to engage children either personally or professionally we must be keenly aware of our personal agenda towards that child. Is our agenda to teach him how to add 2+2, is our agenda to prevent a bully from bullying another child, is our agenda to rudely assert that you didn't get back the exact change you were supposed to? Adults have agendas when interacting with children and youth; it is the natural hierarchy in our society and although it needs to be this way there are more appropriate ways to engage our younger generations. Unfortunately engaging a child in an authoritarian way has become the norm in today's culture; where expectations for young people are to respond to adults robotically.

Adult interactions with children and youth can create moments of connection that help the individual to experience how being respected feels, how being listened to matters. Studies have proven that children can grow into resilience and responsibility by having at least one positive adult role model in their lives. Your interaction with them does not need to be long term; it does not need to be on a constant or regular basis. A positive adult-child interaction can set the tone for future more established relationships for this young person; it models to them how nice it feels to be treated like a person. Think about that great waiter or waitress who made your experience a wonderful one; these may the people you left a bigger tip to because of how you felt! These learned experiences create opportunities not only temporarily for a young person but lays the groundwork for how he in turn treats others. These experiences help young people gain security, self-confidence and self-esteem; all wonderful attributes towards becoming an adult.

We can keep our kids engaged we simply must realize how we are seeking out the engagement.

Our interactions with each child we find ourselves crossing paths with should always be approached with a specific greeting ritual; a nice smile and eye contact. It is always good too if we can somehow find commonalities with one another (my bedroom sometimes gets messy too!). This primal and I think you will agree very basic greeting ritual will establish a tone for the interaction. Try it! There is no better way to engage a child and to keep them engaged. If you have an agenda to get the child to clean their room for example, often times after establishing initial contact in this way - with a smile, eye contact and commonalities - we can interject our request (agenda) and almost like magic we can watch the child agree to the request. It really can be that easy! We must always think about our agendas as adults in the life of a child in order to ensuring we are not imposing on the child but empowering them to want to do what it is we are asking from them. No yelling or multiple requests required!