Will You Love Me Even with My Dark Side?

I recently purchased the CD of  American pop sensation Kelly Clarkson. There is one song that when I listened to it I found myself picturing mental health stigma and how the person living with mental health may feel. This is the power of musical lyrics. Bring these thoughts one step further into the perspective and through the eyes of a young man and what emerges is a vision of the tremendous vulnerability. Watch the video and read on...

* If I show it to you now, will it make you run away *

   

Being a young man and having a mental illness is a whole other dimension. In adolescence girls have bras and periods to contend with; boys have expectations and man up/suck it up attitudes to filter through. This is the discourse in society and it guides the individuals away from their emotions and into other things.

Being led astray from inner physiological sensations is very confusing, especially for a developing boy. The question how can a boy be angry at himself for feeling sad? is obvious, isn't it? 

* Please remind me who I really am *

The words in Clarkson's song Dark Side are included in full below. In black and white. Mental Health nor stigma are black and white. 

 * Everybody's got a dark side *

Read the song lyrics but envision the vulnerability. the strong emotions. hear the primal need. the need to be accepted and cared for. fundamental human needs.

If basic primal needs are unable to be honoured or validated the potential to induce risk to the adolescent is huge; this leaves an adolescent in a scary, scary place. The individuals do not know why it is scary and they do not need to know why it's scary. 

* Do you love me can you love mine *

As adults in the life of a child or youth that is our job; to open the space for the scary emotions, senses and feeling. A safe space. It is either by way of lived experience or being educated in the field that we know it's scary. Perhaps we have been there, been in that place or perhaps we have learned the intricacies of many psychological theories that bring our attention to the needs. Whatever it is leaving vulnerabilities swaying in the wind breeds insecurities, lack of confidence and low self-esteem. It just does and it is an adults job to help preserve vulnerability in our young people. 

* Nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it *

* Don't run away just tell me that you will stay promise me you will stay *

Be the strength in a young person's life, be the rock they can lean on!

#BoysNeedtoFeel

Dark Side Lyrics

By Kelly Clarkson

There's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
It can become
A few give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Copyright: Kelly Clarkson

"Making Room for Dad: moving beyond the dyad" - McGill University Workshop

To those who may be interested in work with dads and live near Montreal, QC ...

Preliminary Announcement

Making Room for Dad: moving beyond the dyad

Friday, November 30^th, 2012

8:30 am to 3:00 pm

The Montreal Children’s Hospital Forbes Cushing Amphitheatre, D-182

2300 Tupper Street, Montreal, QC H3H 1P3

(This conference will be presented in English. Question periods will be in English and in French)

Invited Speakers:

Dr. Diane A. Philipp, Understanding Father-Mother-Baby Interactions: the Lausanne Trilogue Play paradigm and Adding Fathers into the Mother-Infant Treatment: reflective family play 

Dr Philipp is an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Toronto Medical School, and is on faculty at the Hincks-Dellcrest Centre (HDC), where she has headed an Infant and Preschool Treatment and Assessment team since 1998.  In 2003-2004 Dr. Philipp spent a year in Lausanne learning about the Lausanne Trilogue Play paradigm (LTP).  The LTP is a tool used to assess the family alliance and co-parenting in families, and it has become routine in the evaluation process of families with very young children coming to the HDC.  As well, Dr. Philipp has developed a model of brief family therapy that combines her training in attachment-focused treatments with the more systems-based approach of the LTP. Thus was born a new treatment, Reflective Family Play (RFP) that brings mothers and fathers into parent-infant treatment together, and allows clinicians and families to explore issues such as coparenting as well as sibling rivalry.

Dr. Daniel Paquette, The Father-Child Activation Relationship: theory and method

Dr Paquette is an ethologist and primatologist. After having carried-out research on the development of aggression in young chimpanzees, he studied the development of children of adolescent mothers at the Centre Jeunesse de Montréal-Institut Universitaire. He is now Professor of Psychoeducation at the University of Montreal. He teaches evolutionary developmental psychology and observational methods. His research interests include aggression, attachment, parenting behaviour, fathering, competition and physical play in preschool children. He wrote the first evolutionary theory of fathering in humans (the activation relationship theory) and created a procedure to evaluate the father-child attachment (the risky situation).

The complete program is available on our website at www.mcgill.ca/childpsychiatryhttp://www.mcgill.ca/childpsychiatry/. There is a

$ 50.00 fee for this event. Please register by e-mail at psychiat.division@muhc.mcgill.capsychiat.division@muhc.mcgill.ca

For questions, please contact Rita Riccio by e-mail at: psychiat.division@muhc.mcgill.ca

Department of Child Psychiatry (514) 412-4400 x 22470

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My Instinct to Guard My Possessions versus Allowing Myself to Genuinely Engage with Others is Trying to Get the Better of Me

My Instinct to Guard My Possessions versus Allowing Myself to Genuinely Engage with Others is Trying to Get the Better of Me.

I recently ventured from home and into town to retrieve some steaks for dinner. My instinct to guard my possessions versus allowing myself to genuinely engage with another person is trying to get the better of me. I found myself having a renewed experience of what it is like to be treated with genuine kindness and respect and how this ultimately turned into positive feelings within me. I had to surrender to the experience; it was not without its struggles. Sounds silly doesn't it? It did to me too.

Because I work with children and youth and advocate for positive relationships between people, I work at building attachments I cannot help but make connections between my adult experiences and who I want to be as a helper to these kids. We never truly have things all figured out, it's always a work in progress. Always.

I drove up to a local garage to get air for a tire on my SUV. I did not have an appointment and had not previously spoken to anyone at the garage. They did not know I was coming on this day, nor did I frankly because I thought I had solved the problem of the "check tire" light a week ago. Apparently this was not the case; today I think there is a slow leak and now it is feeling odd when I steer, something is wrong. This did not happen last time and my thought process immediately brings me down the path of - I can't give up my car to get fixed! I don't have time for this! I push these thoughts away and temporarily plan to fill the tire with air again. It worked last time so I'll do it again and I'll be fine for now I tell myself believingly. But, I secretly know that I should not do this, more than likely the tire will go completely flat when I am ready to leave work at 12am and forty-five minutes from home! I know this yet I want to fill the tire with air anyways and carry on with my day. I'll get it checked another day.

As I proceed up to the air pump at the garage I speak with one of the mechanics standing out front I ask him for a tire gauge (this is what I did last time) I tell him what I think my problem is, that I have a slow leak. This gentleman is an older man, older than the teen I interacted with a week ago who quite distractedly filled my tire with air and carried on with checking out the antique car that had just pulled in.

He did what I asked him to and nothing more. I was satisfied with that.

On this particular day though the mechanic I spoke to says to me "Do you have something to do right now?" I say "Yes, I am going to get some steaks down the block".  He tells me "Go get your steaks and by the time you come back we'll have checked if there was a leak or not". Oh. I had not planned on that. Really? Is it that simple to get it fixed? I start to wonder (in the 1/2 second I have until the face to face communication starts to get awkward because I am obviously hesitating), do I just leave my vehicle with this man? My son's laptop is in there and this is my not so cheap SUV. Do I just leave it here and walk down a couple of blocks and get my steaks?

Reluctantly I reply "OK, I'll be back". I am making a split second decision to have faith that I will get my car and everything in it back just fine. This man is genuinely trying to help me because he wants to and because he can. He's just being kind I tell myself unconvincingly.

I venture down the block and spot two people I know and decide to go over and chat. Of course I mention my story and seek reassurance from them, my car is OK there, right? They reassure me that I have not been gone from town that long (meaning if I wasn't from town the car wouldn't be fine?!) and proceed to the butchery to make my steak purchase.

I do not know why I am thinking my vehicle and/or something in it is going to be stolen. My pessimistic thoughts start to diminish but they do not leave me entirely. My instinct to guard my possessions versus allowing myself to genuinely engage with others is trying to get the better of me. Is this what happens to us as we age? As we gain more understanding of the crazy world we live in and all the 'bad' things that happen? Can someone not make a nice gesture to help another person not be seen for what it is rather than a potential crime in progress? Stop being silly I tell myself. This is so much more about me than it is about anyone else.

I choose my steaks and the butchery owner starts chatting with me. He had spotted my boys at a local Motorsport venue a couple of weeks ago, he wonders if they want to take up the sport and he tries to sell me a motorbike. I smile and chat with him but all things considered all I want to do is leave. I have to get back to my car. This internal struggle of 'its fine' versus 'did I just hand over my car to be stolen' is nagging at me.

The simplicity of basic, primal human connection; trust, respect, kindness is very, very powerful. I know this intuitively and I practice this in all the work I do with kids but here I am being tripped up. I wonder why it is so hard in today's world. Have we lost a big piece of human relationships and how to connect with one another genuinely to wayward fears that the local garage repair shop is going to risk stealing my possessions? Are we (and alternatively am I) so broken in my life experiences that I cannot recognize genuine kindness? Whoa. This could be a big problem. This kind of thinking can, will and does leave our children and youth vulnerable and at risk.

We never have things entirely figured out. We must strive towards a life lived and "being comfortable being uncomfortable".   

I return to my vehicle at the garage. They are finishing putting the bolts back on and confirm there was a hole in the tire. They have repaired it. Fearfully, I ask how much it is going to cost. Having absolutely no idea and thinking because of the quick on the spot service they will charge me $80.00 or something ridiculous. Yes we have all experienced situations like this! He pauses and thinks, "Um $18.00 please". Wow! $18.00 maybe this is all legit I think. My doubt is starting to sway more at this point. I proceed to pay and once again return outside. There is a fancy gadget underneath my vehicle and I am told the tire now has to be torqued. OK, maybe I will run over to the coffee shop and grab a tea. The mechanic reaches into his pocket and hands me a toonie ($2.00 coin in Canada) and asks for a medium "double double". Is this really happening?

I start the chuckle to myself for the foolishness of ever doubting that my experience today in getting air for my tire is anything less than kindness and respect for mankind. This whole thing was just silly. At this point I tossed my steaks on the front passenger seat of my vehicle knowing they would be safe there until I returned!

My story doesn't end here. 

My faith is restored in the kindness of others as I am standing in line at the coffee shop to order our drinks. The man in front of me is ordering a wonderful lunch for his lunch date sitting at a nearby table. I observe the lunch date to be physically struggling with some kind of hand tremor. He looks old and frail, but not due to age more like life circumstances. Whatever he was struggling with he sure had a good friend treating him to a wholesome lunch and the "biggest hot chocolate" he could get. The look on the man's face when he got his lunch was priceless. It warmed my heart immensely.

The woman behind the counter looks and apologizes to me for taking a long time to help me with my order. What she doesn't know is that at this point for me, it just doesn't matter anymore. My faith in humanity has been restored, take all the time you need! It is not about me and needing to get anywhere, it's not about me worrying about my SUV or my son's laptop, I'm not worried at all anymore. This is small town down to earth goodness.

Always embrace openness towards others in your life. Challenge yourself to see the good in others before you see the bad. Life is too short. I am thankful for my experience and the new things I continue to learn about myself that can quickly get the better of any one of us at any time. Today was one of the most enriching day of my life, all thirty minutes of it.

#BoysNeedtoFeel