Friday, March 18, 2011

My 2009 letter to a "National Youth Organization"...

I am posting a copy of my letter to a "National Youth Organization" that I wrote in 2009. Since this letter nothing has happened in our county and this saddens me.

In recent news (Teen Suicides in Small Town ) and a possible upcoming election I wanted to share my efforts at trying to make a difference. I believe 100% that children, youth and families are missing out on opportunities for assistance because the social service sector, as it relates to child and youth mental health, is not deemed an essential service. There are a lot of people - individuals and families who are suffering needlessly and something needs to be done. Please read my letter below and let me know your questions or comments.

                                                                                                December 8, 2009 

Dear “National Youth Organization”,

I am contacting you both today to express my concerns around the recent decision by “National Youth Organization” to have “Sandra’s” role be more of a fundraising role rather than an awareness role in our County. This may be the case [the role function] for all of “Sandra’s” territories and ““National Youth Organization” as a whole but obviously my main concern is with our area.

I understand that “National Youth Organization” is in a position where much needed funds are required in order to keep the “National Youth Organization” program fully operational. I hope that the organization can sustain the current level of 24/7 service to all children and youth because as you both know, this service is so essential for their mental health, well-being and positive development.

My original contact to “National Youth Organization” in February 2008 was to see how I could help raise the awareness of this great service in our area. I was immediately patched over to “Mary” who as you both know was also in a fundraising role. I decided not to pursue any type of fundraising at this time because I felt our small town could not withstand yet another community fundraiser. In November of the same year I got back in touch with “Mary” and was told that fundraising was the main way I could help out “National Youth Organization”. It was at this time that I asked about the numbers [of kids who use the service] for our area and it was because the numbers were so much higher than I anticipated I decided to pursue the “major fundraising event” for 2009. Hence, I was fulfilling a need for “National Youth Organization” to fundraise. Here we are now December 2009 and I am told that this is still all that can be done? Fundraise. How can we expect people to donate money to a cause they know little to nothing about?!

I admit that I am disappointed that having “Sandra” in Ottawa isn’t as much a positive impact on our area here as I had initially thought it was going to be. Maybe this was wishful thinking on my part but I say this because it was my hope and my belief that part of her job would be to help raise the profile of “National Youth Organization”” in my County. Make connections with important people and important organizations. Things I am just not able to do as a volunteer. Basically, I feel as though we are not important enough in this area because we don’t generate the big money like Ottawa, Toronto, Kingston “major fundraising event” sites do. I realize that is a big statement but that is the message I am getting about this decision to focus on fundraising and not awareness.

Let me inform you a bit about our County. The area is unique, it is geographically large and the county has one in eight families living in poverty (reference). I’ve attached a copy of a submission to Poverty Reduction Cabinet Committee in Queen’s Park, Toronto for your perusal.

Also, I’ve recently reviewed a final report on Mental Health, Mental Illness and Addiction entitled “OUT OF THE SHADOWS AT LAST TRANSFORMING MENTAL HEALTH, MENTAL ILLNESS AND ADDICTION SERVICES IN CANADA” authored by The Standing Senate Committee on Social Affairs, Science and Technology - The Honourable Michael J.L.Kirby, Chair and The Honourable Wilbert Joseph Keon, Deputy Chair in May 2006. I encourage you to access and peruse this report online at Mental Health, Mental Illness & Addiction . Chapter 6 is of particular interest as it relates to Children & Youth.

I would encourage you and others at “National Youth Organization” to review this report. Section 6.2.2.1.2  -  Practical Roadblocks speaks about a gap in schools where there is no service available to help schools and the kids in schools deal with potential problems that may come up if mental health screenings were transferred to schools (which is one of the report high-lights). I see huge opportunities for expanding “National Youth Organization” as an essential type service to school boards in and across our County and elsewhere. But again, how can this happen if people aren’t being dedicated to enhancing and increasing this awareness? In fact I will boldly state that I believe so much in the importance of “National Youth Organization” and what the counselors do for children, youth and their families that I think the service should be deemed essential. Helping the kids should be priority one – not fundraising!

I realize I’ve thrown a lot out there in just one e-mail so I will wrap this up for now.

I would appreciate if you both would take some time to review and consider what I have provided to you here and maybe we can arrange to have a further meeting to discuss this in more detail.

I am asking “National Youth Organization” to please re-consider their views towards our County as the need is tremendous in my opinion and we can’t afford to sit back and wait to raise money. We have to raise the awareness now and then seek out the money as the awareness grows and people know about the positive aspects of the service. I struggled with the “Toronto” address, the large city image and corporate branding last year. I struggled with convincing and encouraging people to come on board and support the “National Youth Organization” here in our small community that the service was here to help us – not just people in Toronto. I started building the relationship, bridging the gap between the big city and the small urban towns. Please do not turn a blind eye and make people’s perceptions as I’ve described it the true reality.

Regards,
Julie

                                                                                     

*All organizational and personal names have been changed to protect identities.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Counterwill and my being real…

Yes I am a Child and Youth Care practitioner. I am also a mom and most of all a human being. I am not perfect and I never will be. As a professional of course I strive to help others and guide them through their rough times and support them in their difficult times. I always act ethically and separate me as a mother from me as a professional, they are two entirely different roles.
 

This past week I have encountered what I would describe and how Dr. Gordon Neufeld labels it, something called COUNTERWILL. What is countwill you wonder? It is “an instinctive, automatic resistance to any sense of being forced”, any sense of being forced? Isn’t this what we as parents do on a daily basis? Brush your teeth, make your bed, do your homework blah, blah, blah. Don’t we constantly ask kids to do something they just don’t want to do? Isn’t that our jobs? These are the many questions that go through someone’s mind when I say this. Counterwill is a trigger activated when a person feels controlled or pressured to do something that someone else wants us to do i.e. “bidding” and it is manifested in many, many ways.

This past week I was dealing with a highly emotional situation involving my own (soon to be 11 year old) son. It was counterwill at its worst – both from him and from me. It was a “push/shove” match where he was not budging nor was I. The more I said I didn’t want to hear him say that curse word again the more he asserted that he was in fact going to do it and that was that. The discussion got loud and there were tears. All of this right before he was to get on the bus for school. I felt terrible this happened, for me of all people, why can I not have a simple conversation where things are challenged I ask myself. This is where the two entirely different professional versus personal roles piece comes in…I am emotionally attached to my son so it is hard to be objective in situations like this.

Dr. Neufeld speaks about the importance of “collecting” our kids. He says to make eye contact, smile and nod; to do this before addressing a need or an expectation that we require the child to do. I did not do this on this frantic morning the have-to-hurry-up-and-catch-the-bus-or-they’ll-be-late morning. My son and I were not in “attachment” with one another at this moment.

Not being in attachment with my son. This is a vast concept that is discussed at length by Dr. Neufeld in his book and a concept I am still learning about. This not being in attachment with my son at this given moment is however, a slice of reality not just in my world but I believe in others worlds as well. Have you not had good intentions with your kids that quickly go astray under pressure? Or better yet quickly go astray because of some other unknown, unpredicted circumstance?

I am here to tell you, it happens to the best of us. This doesn’t make me feeling any better about my circumstance with my son but in knowing I strive to do my best and will keep going and that I am likely not the only parent who feels this way I can embrace my vulnerability in this regard. I am not perfect!

I am confident that parents have a good heart, that they try and do the very best they can do on a given day. I am not better than anyone because I have studied what it takes to help children, youth and families. I too am a human being just trying to do my best at the parenting thing. I slip up too. I get right back up on that horse and keep in going. This is what we do as parents, we keep on truckin’! Happy Parenting!

#boysneedtofeel

Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more    
than peers. Toronto: Vintage Canada

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Week 6 - Just because I think feelings matter doesn’t mean they do….

In week six of the 10 week boys group our intention was to speak about feelings. This is not on the list of a young boy’s priorities however!

Emotion regulation is one’s ability to effectively manage the arousal of an emotion. This is in order to adapt the emotion and consequently reach one’s goals. For a child this emotion regulation could be useful during the interaction between them and the classroom teacher for example or in just paying attention to that ski instructor when he talks so that one can learn how to get down the hill!

For boys this concept of emotion regulation can be challenging. It is an intuitive process and the levels of emotional arousal can reach heights that begin to affect day to day functioning; especially when the environment is one that is not so flexible. A child/youth must be guided as to how to regulate these escaped emotions and escaped they are at times and escaped they were during this week of group! There was no talking about feelings, our planned topic for the week. The boys saw to it in their actions and in their pure silliness!

As the group facilitator and as a new CYC practitioner I am tested as to how to proceed with this important yet uncomfortable topic for the boys. There is a sensitivity I must acknowledge in moving forward. After all, how can one teach a boy that showing their emotions, how they feel on any given day and being re-assured it is truly okay - when society says something different?

There are discourses, rules and expectations that move swiftly in and around all of us on a day to day basis. These discourses are absorbed by the developing child who quickly learns expressing their feelings or showing their emotions is not okay. If the emotion or feeling gets the better of them and is openly displayed then it is shut down pretty quickly! For example, think close minor hockey playoff game…team loses meaning the end of an entire hockey season…young boy cries in the dressing room afterwards but is then ridiculed because of this emotional expression. Do you know of someone who has experienced this? It is even possible the ridicule does not just come from a peer but an adult too, maybe your boy hears your negative comment about the player who cried in the car on the ride home. This ridicule for the expression of emotion is not okay and should not be tolerated.

Deep feeling and crying breeds resiliency, teaches one to deal with diversity, teaches futility the ‘bounce back’, get through it and be okay on the other side - part of life. There is an emergence of maturation in this process; support and acceptance is the goal not separation or shame (Neufeld, 2004).

Teaching futility to a child/youth is one of the greatest gifts we can give.

For week seven I will concentrate on doing a hands on activity with the boys, something they can focus on but feel rested enough that when I do drop snippets of feeling information here and there they will be attentive enough to hear the messages. Just because I think feelings matter doesn’t mean they do!

#BoysNeedToFeel

P.S. Dr. Gordon Neufeld is visiting Ottawa, ON this April 2011!!

Resouces and References

Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more    
than peers. Toronto: Vintage Canada

Santrock, J., MacKenzie-Rivers, A., Leung, K., & Malcomson, T. (Eds.) (2008). Life-span development