Yes I am a Child and Youth Care practitioner. I am also a mom and most of all a human being. I am not perfect and I never will be. As a professional of course I strive to help others and guide them through their rough times and support them in their difficult times. I always act ethically and separate me as a mother from me as a professional, they are two entirely different roles.
This past week I have encountered what I would describe and how Dr. Gordon Neufeld labels it, something called COUNTERWILL. What is countwill you wonder? It is “an instinctive, automatic resistance to any sense of being forced”, any sense of being forced? Isn’t this what we as parents do on a daily basis? Brush your teeth, make your bed, do your homework blah, blah, blah. Don’t we constantly ask kids to do something they just don’t want to do? Isn’t that our jobs? These are the many questions that go through someone’s mind when I say this. Counterwill is a trigger activated when a person feels controlled or pressured to do something that someone else wants us to do i.e. “bidding” and it is manifested in many, many ways.
This past week I was dealing with a highly emotional situation involving my own (soon to be 11 year old) son. It was counterwill at its worst – both from him and from me. It was a “push/shove” match where he was not budging nor was I. The more I said I didn’t want to hear him say that curse word again the more he asserted that he was in fact going to do it and that was that. The discussion got loud and there were tears. All of this right before he was to get on the bus for school. I felt terrible this happened, for me of all people, why can I not have a simple conversation where things are challenged I ask myself. This is where the two entirely different professional versus personal roles piece comes in…I am emotionally attached to my son so it is hard to be objective in situations like this.
Dr. Neufeld speaks about the importance of “collecting” our kids. He says to make eye contact, smile and nod; to do this before addressing a need or an expectation that we require the child to do. I did not do this on this frantic morning the have-to-hurry-up-and-catch-the-bus-or-they’ll-be-late morning. My son and I were not in “attachment” with one another at this moment.
Not being in attachment with my son. This is a vast concept that is discussed at length by Dr. Neufeld in his book and a concept I am still learning about. This not being in attachment with my son at this given moment is however, a slice of reality not just in my world but I believe in others worlds as well. Have you not had good intentions with your kids that quickly go astray under pressure? Or better yet quickly go astray because of some other unknown, unpredicted circumstance?
I am here to tell you, it happens to the best of us. This doesn’t make me feeling any better about my circumstance with my son but in knowing I strive to do my best and will keep going and that I am likely not the only parent who feels this way I can embrace my vulnerability in this regard. I am not perfect!
I am confident that parents have a good heart, that they try and do the very best they can do on a given day. I am not better than anyone because I have studied what it takes to help children, youth and families. I too am a human being just trying to do my best at the parenting thing. I slip up too. I get right back up on that horse and keep in going. This is what we do as parents, we keep on truckin’! Happy Parenting!
#boysneedtofeel
Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more
than peers. Toronto : Vintage Canada
