There is So Much That Can Be Learned in the Span of Creating Quiet Space for Another Person

There is so much that can be heard in the span of creating quiet space for another person. Intentional, purposeful quiet space. No opinions, suggestions or two cents worth of words spoken.

Quiet space.

There is so much that can be learned in the span of creating quiet space for another person. Intentional, purposeful quiet space. No opinions, suggestions or two cents worth of words spoken.

Quiet space.

There is so much that can be realized in the span of creating quiet space for another person. Intentional, purposeful quiet space. No opinions, suggestions or two cents worth of words spoken.

Quiet space.

I hate everybody! No one cares about me! Life Sucks! No one listens to me! You Suck! They are so stupid! I hate myself! No one likes me! I feel so guilty! I am too fat! I hate my life! Shut Up! Don't Talk to Me!

Maintaining quiet space in amongst screams, yells and bold statements like those above is no easy task! There are high cultural expectations as to how one should respond in a situation where a young person is 'misbehaving'. Don't be swayed by others expectations though! Not only can quiet space be initiated, it must be done, maybe not in the exact moment but in a period shortly thereafter. As adults in the life of young people it is our responsibility not to maintain a particular authoritative stance and focus only on the words and the misbehaviour. Kids are not meant to be managed! We must validate feelings and emotions behind  behaviour. 

If the feelings and emotions are not validated the cycle continues as does the misbehaviour and this is an atrocity! 

We must not contribute to shutting down behaviour when clearly what is needed is some quiet space to work things out. Shutting down behaviour contributes to shutting down emotions; emotions that are within each of us that must get out! To allow these emotions to emerge in a safe place is to help build resilience and help reach a state of futility. It honours the individual and what they need and this is a number one goal (unless of course the behaviour involves chasing after a little brother about to hit them in the head with a die cast truck!) to focus on as parents and adults in the life of a child. We can do this through understanding and offer quiet spaces.

Firstly though some important personal self-reflection may need to take place (on a few levels). 

Ask yourself: Are you able to forgo focusing on behaviour (but not immediate safety risks) in favour of creating a quiet space? Are you able to forgo the stares of others in public who instill in their stares an expectation that you must immediately punish your child? Are you able to stand there and favour a connection with the child over and above others expectations around how misbehaviour should be handled?

If you don't think you can put your good intentions first, the relationship with the young person first  then please spend some time reflecting on why this is. Ask yourself, what do you value? What do you believe in? Why are you unable to overlook others' thoughts and opinions over connecting intimately with the young person. You could be a parent or a care-giving helper in this scenario.

If you think you can withstand the judgement of others and honour yourself as a parent, positive role model in the life of a child then begin to think about the quiet space. What is it and how it will look? Each scenario and circumstance will help what the quiet space is and how it emerges. This honor and respect process is intuitive and natural but often overlooked. It is a basic process that is no longer considered in favour of immediacy and profound expectations of what behaviour looks like for our young people. Our children are being misguided by adults in their life. Honouring, respecting and embracing them towards growth, maturity and adulthood has been lost in our culture. It is truly magical, however if one can begin to see things differently, begin to try something new and see that what was being done before no longer works. 

Be the change you want to see in our young people. 

Kids seek the quiet space but they have trouble finding it in our world today. Help them to find some quiet space and permit them to be the child they are.

The quiet space must offer no judgement, no timeline, no expectations. The space must have you in it with them and allow the young person to state what is on their mind; even if what they are saying sounds ridiculous and minute. It must be recognized that in this moment, whatever it is, it is important to the young person. What they are saying is important. What they are feeling is most important. Quiet space validates anothers feelings. This space is a tremendous gift that can be offered to a young person. We must honour this time and this peace all without saying one word. No interjections or comments, NO you should or you could or I would's...Let them express what is going on in their world...

If a young person feels validated they can quickly move from mad to sad

...and watch the emergence of who they are on a very deep level unfold! New realizations that come into play for the first time that begins to empower and motivate the individual. There is a solid  foundation forming, one to build upon and it is extremely powerful! 

And all you have done is offer a quiet space. It doesn't cost a penny.

A quiet and safe space to let them figure it out and begin to move towards an acceptance for what is versus what is not. These are strong lifelong skills to grow our children into and they need our help to facilitate these emotions, to feel them in a quiet space.

If we focus primarily on misbehaviour and punishment we lose the ability to connect, honour and validate the young person's feelings. We lose the ability to build strong relationships. We lose the ability to heal and empower. We lose the young person's trust in adults. This is what our world has come to. Go back to the quiet space.

Make a New Year's Resolution to honour the life of a child in 2013!

Happy New Year!

@BoysNeedtoFeel

References

Neufeld, G. (2010). Relationship Matters: Harnessing the Power of Attachment. A            professional development seminar. May 22, 2010. Ottawa, ON.

My 12 year old son slept in a shack

Talk about a male bonding coming of age story. My 12 year old son* slept in a shack.

In November. 

We live in Canada.

I say to him "But it's November" he says to me, "Mom we're Canadian"!

 

            

 I quickly realize this conversation was going nowhere and more importantly the hesitation was mine, not theirs. It couldn't be about me, the whole situation was more important on a bigger developmental level than it was about my petty worries. These were 12 year old boys easily had the maturity to recognize the need to move inside if it was too cold to sleep in their shack. I remind myself how important it is to recognize when the time has come to ease up in order for our kids to grow and explore their identities, who they are in the world!

An old debilitated shack was acquired from a nearby cemetery. This notion and any superstitions one may have of what a shack, residing for years in a place where dead bodies lay, could be a part of my reluctance to go along with this winter overnight excursion. I'm a mom, my mind is running through all the harmful possibilities, even irrational ones like the dead zombie bodies will get them (I am totally kidding…although I guess it did cross my mind because I am writing it here!).

My concerns about harmful possibilities are quickly trumped by the enthusiasm in which these two young men desire to spend a night in their beloved shack. 

I realize I must find a way to support their wishes because again, this is not about me! It is about helping my son create lasting childhood memories, stories that he can tell others for years to come, experiences he can learn from (like the top bunk wasn't that comfortable after all)! And of course it is November in Canada and they won't last the night I tell myself.

The shack itself needed some renovating. When the shack arrived in September the boys promptly began to tear off old shingles, re-build walls and the floor as well as build a bunk area. The shack even had to be lifted in order to fix the floor. They renovated for a couple of months each day after school. They would make trips to the local hardware stores picking up supplies whenever they could hitch a ride with a family member and in between adult schedules. This got frustrating for them at times because they were not able to complete their project when they wanted to and had to rely on others. During these times there are many opportunities for me to provide some teaching around patience and respect for others! They hammered away for weeks, even with their age old hammers! The boys always had a goal of sleeping in the shack but I continued to secretly tell myself it won't happen, the weather is getting too cold and I won't have to worry. I had the weather on my side I thought.

Apparently this was not the case, cold weather or not the boys were determined to sleep in their shack. When the day finally came and the shack was renovated enough to be safe and secure for a sleepover I had a pit in my stomach; I thought I had at least put this possibility off until the spring time! It is funny how that works, when my agenda does not jive with that of my son. We must always be reminded to be open minded.

The two boys, their enthusiasm, planning skills and hard work renovating did not go unnoticed.Their teacher was curious about their project too as the boys were so preoccupied with their shack  plans that she saw little else being done at school! Thankfully the teacher recognized the shack renovation project was not just a big part of the boys lives but that there was tremendous skill being displayed by both of them. The planning, acquiring of materials and general labour skills are life lessons that cannot be taught in the classroom. We have happily provided her with photos of the shack!

So here we are. It's the night of the big sleepover and we are packing to sleep in the shack. I feel like I am having an out of body experience as I arrive at our destination and gather the belongings to head over to the shack. It is pitch black outside and it is a cold night. I am delivering what I am told to deliver: one small cot mattress, one sleeping bag, an extra blanket and one pillow (what no stuffed animal?!). I am still naturally worried but trying not to show it on my face as I vow to stand in support of this adventure! As I am unloading our vehicle the friend's father says to me "Well here we are" and I say "What have we got ourselves into?!". We both carried onwards delivering the sleeping goods continuing to comment to ourselves about the fact "they won't last" and "they'll be in the house in an hour". Yeap, that is what kept me going they'll head into the house and won't get eaten by wolves (oh did I forget to mention that this had crossed my mind as well…the documentary I watched recently on wolves attacking a family in Algonquin Park certainly did not help my cause here!).

As I am heading home I congratulate myself for letting go and going against my protective instinct. This excursion is so not about me it's about my son. To have held him back from this experience would have been detrimental to his sense of self and well-being. There were no wolves out to get him, there were no dead zombie bodies going to haunt them in their dreams and they were mature enough to realize if they had to retrieve to the warm house. I had to honour their wishes and desires to sleep in their beloved, newly renovated shack...

...I lasted until 2:00am! (Are your overprotective vibes a' vibrating?!?!)

I slept fine but when I woke up at this point I texted my son (yes I gave him my cell phone!). I was absolutely positive they would be sleeping soundly in the warm house.

They weren't!

They were still in the shack!

I burst into laughter and thought well they are showing us aren't they! They taped a paranormal activity'ish video and sent it to me as proof. It was not only hilarious it proved to me that even in the dark dead cold of night these two boys with their huge smiles and hysterical laughter were doing what they needed to do. They were loving every minute of the experience! I was 100% certain at this point that allowing and supporting thier shack adventure despite my safety concerns and the cold was the right thing to do. They were having the time of their lives and I will cherish that video forever.

Inside of a shack!

*A simple blog story about a very normal and realistic situation for parents based on fictional characters.

@BoysNeedtoFeel





Credits

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