Week 6 - Just because I think feelings matter doesn’t mean they do….

In week six of the 10 week boys group our intention was to speak about feelings. This is not on the list of a young boy’s priorities however!

Emotion regulation is one’s ability to effectively manage the arousal of an emotion. This is in order to adapt the emotion and consequently reach one’s goals. For a child this emotion regulation could be useful during the interaction between them and the classroom teacher for example or in just paying attention to that ski instructor when he talks so that one can learn how to get down the hill!

For boys this concept of emotion regulation can be challenging. It is an intuitive process and the levels of emotional arousal can reach heights that begin to affect day to day functioning; especially when the environment is one that is not so flexible. A child/youth must be guided as to how to regulate these escaped emotions and escaped they are at times and escaped they were during this week of group! There was no talking about feelings, our planned topic for the week. The boys saw to it in their actions and in their pure silliness!

As the group facilitator and as a new CYC practitioner I am tested as to how to proceed with this important yet uncomfortable topic for the boys. There is a sensitivity I must acknowledge in moving forward. After all, how can one teach a boy that showing their emotions, how they feel on any given day and being re-assured it is truly okay - when society says something different?

There are discourses, rules and expectations that move swiftly in and around all of us on a day to day basis. These discourses are absorbed by the developing child who quickly learns expressing their feelings or showing their emotions is not okay. If the emotion or feeling gets the better of them and is openly displayed then it is shut down pretty quickly! For example, think close minor hockey playoff game…team loses meaning the end of an entire hockey season…young boy cries in the dressing room afterwards but is then ridiculed because of this emotional expression. Do you know of someone who has experienced this? It is even possible the ridicule does not just come from a peer but an adult too, maybe your boy hears your negative comment about the player who cried in the car on the ride home. This ridicule for the expression of emotion is not okay and should not be tolerated.

Deep feeling and crying breeds resiliency, teaches one to deal with diversity, teaches futility the ‘bounce back’, get through it and be okay on the other side - part of life. There is an emergence of maturation in this process; support and acceptance is the goal not separation or shame (Neufeld, 2004).

Teaching futility to a child/youth is one of the greatest gifts we can give.

For week seven I will concentrate on doing a hands on activity with the boys, something they can focus on but feel rested enough that when I do drop snippets of feeling information here and there they will be attentive enough to hear the messages. Just because I think feelings matter doesn’t mean they do!

#BoysNeedToFeel

P.S. Dr. Gordon Neufeld is visiting Ottawa, ON this April 2011!!

For details see http://www.gordonneufeld.com/

Resouces and References

Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more    

than peers. Toronto: Vintage Canada

Santrock, J., MacKenzie-Rivers, A., Leung, K., & Malcomson, T. (Eds.) (2008). Life-span development