Translate this experience to the child who walks beside you....

I came across this written piece that moved me and I wanted to share it with you all. As you read it I encourage you to reach that inner child within you and then translate the experience to your child who walks beside each and every day...Julie

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don’t.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it’s all right to cry.


When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I looked at you and wanted to say, ‘Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.

You are your children’s most precious gift!

Author Unknown

Why we need to nurture ourselves to be better parents

“If we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” Dr. Wayne Dyer

As a child and youth care practitioner working with a highly vulnerable population, it is virtually impossible for me to do my job well if I am not healthy. This is why self-care is of tremendous importance in our field but also a skill that benefits me personally; it is a skill that can benefit you as well.

What is self-care? In the context of you an individual rather than as a parent to your child, self-care is one’s ability to recognize and honour oneself through the regular practice of nurturance. This practice fosters optimal growth and personal potential in a positive and healthy way. For moms, in particular, there is a tendency to do unto others, to be the best employee, the best mother, the best wife and to forego enjoying acts of self-nurturance. For dads, there may be pressures related to financially supporting the family and ensuring there is enough money to cover monthly expenses. These are some realistic examples of our culture and it is important to note that self-care is not meant to invade space but to enhance space; it is not meant to be one more thing to do at the end of the day. It is meant to integrate and weave into each day to help provide balance.

If self-care is practiced regularly, I believe it can open one up to the concept of mindfulness, the enhancing of personal self-reflection helping one grow into new awareness about oneself; awareness not previously obvious due to an inability to reflect. This inability may be due to the lack of knowledge around this topic as well as limited time in each of our days. How can this affect us as parents? Daily life stress, unhealthy eating and lack of self-care can mask our moods and our best intentions towards our children. It is our obligation as role models to our children to be keen and aware that this negative cycle is alive and well in our everyday lives.

Mindfulness, this awareness space in our lives that we intentionally create is where a new understanding of who we are as parents to our children can emerge. Think of the potential here. Space in our lives? What a concept! What does this mean? Mindfulness through self-care nurturance can begin to open more space and opportunity to find places of understanding towards who we need to be as a parent for our child(ren).

Self-care and doing something for oneself is not an open invitation to drink oneself into oblivion or a free ride to negate all of your responsibilities and duties in your life. This is not what self-care is. Self-care will be different for every person.

Self-care can be a big ticket item such as a family vacation in the sunny south or it can be as simple as taking the time in your busy day to enjoy a hot cup of tea with no distractions. This is one of my personal favourites and one that can fit into any busy day! Self-care could be the twenty-minute walk with your dog or sitting by a warm fire. These are just some examples and the opportunities are endless. There are no limitations and the smaller more intimate acts of nurturance are usually the ones that can string you through the most difficult of days and are therefore the most effective.

The intention behind self-care is not to pleasure oneself but to honour oneself, to embrace who we are as individuals whether it is as a parent, a hard-working employee or a son or daughter. In each day, it is an opportunity to take moments to embrace accomplishments and to acknowledge where we are at in our lives. It is also a regular practice that can evoke excitement about what is to come. If things are extremely busy, I know I still have a nice hot green tea I can look forward to that will ground me back into myself and out of the busyness of life. I am committed to being the best parent I can be and this is not always possible, given daily life struggles and circumstances. We are all human.

Julie can be reached at julie@independentcyc.com

Recent article submitted for parent-child guidebook...

Hi all,

I wanted to share with you my article for an upcoming publication for a parent-child guidebook. I am gearing up for the start of a new boys group in the new year and am excited to begin blogging once again. Please feel free to share your thoughts/questions/concerns with me!

Enjoy #BoysNeedtoFeel

Winter Hazards, The Vulnerability of Losing Connectedness with your Child

By: Julie Clarke, BCYC, OACYC Member 

During the winter months a family's days tend to get busier with the start of the new school year and the onset of the new season's various extracurricular activities. It is not abnormal for parents to be in two separate places tending to the interests of their children while grabbing a quick fix dinner in order to make it on time; this while daylight diminishes and the temperature dips to unbearable cold. These added stresses combined with the many hazards of winter can be of concern to some families leaving them vulnerable to higher levels of daily stress. Stress can lead to regular familial fighting and lack of communication with one another leaving children and youth vulnerable and disconnected from the adults in their life.

Winter can be a season of opportunities in re-connecting with loved ones. Just as the date on the calendar is marked for that next hockey practice or dance lesson parents can plan ahead for that family game night or a movie outing for the newest premiere. What is it that your family enjoys doing together? Is it getting bundled up for a long walk on one of the local trails? Is it staying in your pyjamas all day and preparing a nice meal and an even better dessert with your kids? Winter can enhance family togetherness which is important in the life of a child or youth.

Why is family togetherness important? Firstly let me clarify. Family togetherness is not taking your child to the rink to watch him/her play hockey or figure skate. Family togetherness is not being distracted by the e-mails, smart phones, video games or other forms of technology. Family togetherness in the spirit of what I am referring to here is creating opportunities to reconnect as one. A family. Family togetherness is meant to occupy the space in which your child our youth lives and for an extended period of time; it means stepping out of our adult world and stepping into our child's world. No distractions.

As parents and guardians of children and youth, making plans to regularly connect with one another enhances the relationship between you. This relationship matters at a very deep level.

Creating opportunities where there are no outcomes pertaining to a win or a loss, where there is no competition and even less formality around "rules" pertaining to fun can surpass all expectations. In fact I will even bet that in time as this routine becomes regular practice, your child will be asking about the next family day! There needs to be consistency and commitment to do this however and with this consistency and commitment the relationship will flourish. There are no quick fixes; there are no complex remedies in connecting with your child. True, wholesome togetherness fulfills the needs of all children young and old and the result is a natural bond between adult and child. This bond grows a child into maturity, it helps them to build a solid, concrete foundation; a strong sense of self.

During the long cold winter ahead be aware of the emotional hazards thrust upon children and youth in ways that are not intended, our lives are busy in today's world. Securing precious time and opportunities to simply 'be' with your child is a great way to connect and dig through that long cold winter!

Julie Clarke is a graduate of the Bachelor of Child and Youth Care program through the University of Victoria. She is a member of the Ontario Association of Child and Youth Counsellors and Ottawa Neufeld Community. She is working independently in and around the community.

My 2009 letter to a "National Youth Organization"...

I am posting a copy of my letter to a "National Youth Organization" that I wrote in 2009. Since this letter nothing has happened in our county and this saddens me.

In recent news (Teen Suicides in Small Town ) and a possible upcoming election I wanted to share my efforts at trying to make a difference. I believe 100% that children, youth and families are missing out on opportunities for assistance because the social service sector, as it relates to child and youth mental health, is not deemed an essential service. There are a lot of people - individuals and families who are suffering needlessly and something needs to be done. Please read my letter below and let me know your questions or comments.

                                                                                                December 8, 2009 

Dear “National Youth Organization”,

I am contacting you both today to express my concerns around the recent decision by “National Youth Organization” to have “Sandra’s” role be more of a fundraising role rather than an awareness role in our County. This may be the case [the role function] for all of “Sandra’s” territories and ““National Youth Organization” as a whole but obviously my main concern is with our area.

I understand that “National Youth Organization” is in a position where much needed funds are required in order to keep the “National Youth Organization” program fully operational. I hope that the organization can sustain the current level of 24/7 service to all children and youth because as you both know, this service is so essential for their mental health, well-being and positive development.

My original contact to “National Youth Organization” in February 2008 was to see how I could help raise the awareness of this great service in our area. I was immediately patched over to “Mary” who as you both know was also in a fundraising role. I decided not to pursue any type of fundraising at this time because I felt our small town could not withstand yet another community fundraiser. In November of the same year I got back in touch with “Mary” and was told that fundraising was the main way I could help out “National Youth Organization”. It was at this time that I asked about the numbers [of kids who use the service] for our area and it was because the numbers were so much higher than I anticipated I decided to pursue the “major fundraising event” for 2009. Hence, I was fulfilling a need for “National Youth Organization” to fundraise. Here we are now December 2009 and I am told that this is still all that can be done? Fundraise. How can we expect people to donate money to a cause they know little to nothing about?!

I admit that I am disappointed that having “Sandra” in Ottawa isn’t as much a positive impact on our area here as I had initially thought it was going to be. Maybe this was wishful thinking on my part but I say this because it was my hope and my belief that part of her job would be to help raise the profile of “National Youth Organization”” in my County. Make connections with important people and important organizations. Things I am just not able to do as a volunteer. Basically, I feel as though we are not important enough in this area because we don’t generate the big money like Ottawa, Toronto, Kingston “major fundraising event” sites do. I realize that is a big statement but that is the message I am getting about this decision to focus on fundraising and not awareness.

Let me inform you a bit about our County. The area is unique, it is geographically large and the county has one in eight families living in poverty (reference). I’ve attached a copy of a submission to Poverty Reduction Cabinet Committee in Queen’s Park, Toronto for your perusal.

Also, I’ve recently reviewed a final report on Mental Health, Mental Illness and Addiction entitled “OUT OF THE SHADOWS AT LAST TRANSFORMING MENTAL HEALTH, MENTAL ILLNESS AND ADDICTION SERVICES IN CANADA” authored by The Standing Senate Committee on Social Affairs, Science and Technology - The Honourable Michael J.L.Kirby, Chair and The Honourable Wilbert Joseph Keon, Deputy Chair in May 2006. I encourage you to access and peruse this report online at Mental Health, Mental Illness & Addiction . Chapter 6 is of particular interest as it relates to Children & Youth.

I would encourage you and others at “National Youth Organization” to review this report. Section 6.2.2.1.2  -  Practical Roadblocks speaks about a gap in schools where there is no service available to help schools and the kids in schools deal with potential problems that may come up if mental health screenings were transferred to schools (which is one of the report high-lights). I see huge opportunities for expanding “National Youth Organization” as an essential type service to school boards in and across our County and elsewhere. But again, how can this happen if people aren’t being dedicated to enhancing and increasing this awareness? In fact I will boldly state that I believe so much in the importance of “National Youth Organization” and what the counselors do for children, youth and their families that I think the service should be deemed essential. Helping the kids should be priority one – not fundraising!

I realize I’ve thrown a lot out there in just one e-mail so I will wrap this up for now.

I would appreciate if you both would take some time to review and consider what I have provided to you here and maybe we can arrange to have a further meeting to discuss this in more detail.

I am asking “National Youth Organization” to please re-consider their views towards our County as the need is tremendous in my opinion and we can’t afford to sit back and wait to raise money. We have to raise the awareness now and then seek out the money as the awareness grows and people know about the positive aspects of the service. I struggled with the “Toronto” address, the large city image and corporate branding last year. I struggled with convincing and encouraging people to come on board and support the “National Youth Organization” here in our small community that the service was here to help us – not just people in Toronto. I started building the relationship, bridging the gap between the big city and the small urban towns. Please do not turn a blind eye and make people’s perceptions as I’ve described it the true reality.

Regards,

Julie

                                                                                     

*All organizational and personal names have been changed to protect identities.

Counterwill and my being real…

Yes I am a Child and Youth Care practitioner. I am also a mom and most of all a human being. I am not perfect and I never will be. As a professional of course I strive to help others and guide them through their rough times and support them in their difficult times. I always act ethically and separate me as a mother from me as a professional, they are two entirely different roles.
 

This past week I have encountered what I would describe and how Dr. Gordon Neufeld labels it, something called COUNTERWILL. What is countwill you wonder? It is “an instinctive, automatic resistance to any sense of being forced”, any sense of being forced? Isn’t this what we as parents do on a daily basis? Brush your teeth, make your bed, do your homework blah, blah, blah. Don’t we constantly ask kids to do something they just don’t want to do? Isn’t that our jobs? These are the many questions that go through someone’s mind when I say this. Counterwill is a trigger activated when a person feels controlled or pressured to do something that someone else wants us to do i.e. “bidding” and it is manifested in many, many ways.

This past week I was dealing with a highly emotional situation involving my own (soon to be 11 year old) son. It was counterwill at its worst – both from him and from me. It was a “push/shove” match where he was not budging nor was I. The more I said I didn’t want to hear him say that curse word again the more he asserted that he was in fact going to do it and that was that. The discussion got loud and there were tears. All of this right before he was to get on the bus for school. I felt terrible this happened, for me of all people, why can I not have a simple conversation where things are challenged I ask myself. This is where the two entirely different professional versus personal roles piece comes in…I am emotionally attached to my son so it is hard to be objective in situations like this.

Dr. Neufeld speaks about the importance of “collecting” our kids. He says to make eye contact, smile and nod; to do this before addressing a need or an expectation that we require the child to do. I did not do this on this frantic morning the have-to-hurry-up-and-catch-the-bus-or-they’ll-be-late morning. My son and I were not in “attachment” with one another at this moment.

Not being in attachment with my son. This is a vast concept that is discussed at length by Dr. Neufeld in his book and a concept I am still learning about. This not being in attachment with my son at this given moment is however, a slice of reality not just in my world but I believe in others worlds as well. Have you not had good intentions with your kids that quickly go astray under pressure? Or better yet quickly go astray because of some other unknown, unpredicted circumstance?

I am here to tell you, it happens to the best of us. This doesn’t make me feeling any better about my circumstance with my son but in knowing I strive to do my best and will keep going and that I am likely not the only parent who feels this way I can embrace my vulnerability in this regard. I am not perfect!

I am confident that parents have a good heart, that they try and do the very best they can do on a given day. I am not better than anyone because I have studied what it takes to help children, youth and families. I too am a human being just trying to do my best at the parenting thing. I slip up too. I get right back up on that horse and keep in going. This is what we do as parents, we keep on truckin’! Happy Parenting!

#boysneedtofeel

Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more    

than peers. Toronto: Vintage Canada

Week 6 - Just because I think feelings matter doesn’t mean they do….

In week six of the 10 week boys group our intention was to speak about feelings. This is not on the list of a young boy’s priorities however!

Emotion regulation is one’s ability to effectively manage the arousal of an emotion. This is in order to adapt the emotion and consequently reach one’s goals. For a child this emotion regulation could be useful during the interaction between them and the classroom teacher for example or in just paying attention to that ski instructor when he talks so that one can learn how to get down the hill!

For boys this concept of emotion regulation can be challenging. It is an intuitive process and the levels of emotional arousal can reach heights that begin to affect day to day functioning; especially when the environment is one that is not so flexible. A child/youth must be guided as to how to regulate these escaped emotions and escaped they are at times and escaped they were during this week of group! There was no talking about feelings, our planned topic for the week. The boys saw to it in their actions and in their pure silliness!

As the group facilitator and as a new CYC practitioner I am tested as to how to proceed with this important yet uncomfortable topic for the boys. There is a sensitivity I must acknowledge in moving forward. After all, how can one teach a boy that showing their emotions, how they feel on any given day and being re-assured it is truly okay - when society says something different?

There are discourses, rules and expectations that move swiftly in and around all of us on a day to day basis. These discourses are absorbed by the developing child who quickly learns expressing their feelings or showing their emotions is not okay. If the emotion or feeling gets the better of them and is openly displayed then it is shut down pretty quickly! For example, think close minor hockey playoff game…team loses meaning the end of an entire hockey season…young boy cries in the dressing room afterwards but is then ridiculed because of this emotional expression. Do you know of someone who has experienced this? It is even possible the ridicule does not just come from a peer but an adult too, maybe your boy hears your negative comment about the player who cried in the car on the ride home. This ridicule for the expression of emotion is not okay and should not be tolerated.

Deep feeling and crying breeds resiliency, teaches one to deal with diversity, teaches futility the ‘bounce back’, get through it and be okay on the other side - part of life. There is an emergence of maturation in this process; support and acceptance is the goal not separation or shame (Neufeld, 2004).

Teaching futility to a child/youth is one of the greatest gifts we can give.

For week seven I will concentrate on doing a hands on activity with the boys, something they can focus on but feel rested enough that when I do drop snippets of feeling information here and there they will be attentive enough to hear the messages. Just because I think feelings matter doesn’t mean they do!

#BoysNeedToFeel

P.S. Dr. Gordon Neufeld is visiting Ottawa, ON this April 2011!!

For details see http://www.gordonneufeld.com/

Resouces and References

Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more    

than peers. Toronto: Vintage Canada

Santrock, J., MacKenzie-Rivers, A., Leung, K., & Malcomson, T. (Eds.) (2008). Life-span development

Week 5 “Preserve the ties that empower…” (G. Neufeld)

This past week’s boys group was another successful one. Four of the five boys in group who attended a local tween dance I was chaperoning came up to me at the beginning of the dance to say hello. It is this small gesture that lets me know the attachment relationships are continuing to evolve in our group. It is at this time that we can begin to do the ‘hard’ stuff, the life lessons so to speak.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld speaks about making the relationship the priority. This is the case for any adult who is in the life of a child or youth. It could be a parent or a teacher. It could even be the guy at the local grocery store who is there week after week. A smile and a kind gesture can make a child or youth feel good, feel important. This is all it takes.

Dr. Neufeld says that “the child is more important than what he does”. So does that mean when the child yells F#@k you to your face that the relationship is still more important? Yes. The relationship must come first, the behaviour second. Let me explain further. If giving space and time for the child to express what he/she needs at that moment means accepting the yelled profanity then that is what we do. The individual child/youth has not only the right to that expression but also deserves the reassurance that the relationship is still intact. Once the relationship is made safe we can proceed with addressing the behaviour, the yelled profanity. Even as parents we must do this.

Here is an example I came across this week depicting one parent’s struggle to always love and show love to her child. Laurie is a mom of Zach, a 10 year old boy with a mental illness who has shown severe fits of rage at times. Have a look: Exposing-Family-Secrets-of-Mental-Illness-Video

Putting the relationship first with your child is no easy task.

In this fifth week of our boy’s building blocks group it is apparent now that the relationships have grown and evolved. As a child and youth practitioner my job is to create safe spaces for these boys. I am confident I have done that. The more in-depth work can begin now.

We plan to begin speaking about feelings for week 6 and week 7. What they are, what they look like to each one of us. This is the only topic we are dedicating two weeks to in our ten week group and this is the most important topic. The timing couldn’t be more perfect to begin these discussions with the boys. We have their attention and have now created a context for them in which to learn. Had we not used the first five weeks creating this context and building these relationships, there would definitely be some challenges. It’s not to say though that we don’t have our own natural challenges!

Working with five boys aged 9 to 11 years old is no easy task! The funny (ha ha) ‘let’s pee all over the toilet seats for the next guy’ kinda funny is present…but this is all taken in strides and boundaries are set. I am patient and remain committed to building relationships in order to plant seeds towards understanding. I will preserve the ties that empower these boys.

#BoysNeedToFeel

Resources

Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more    

than peers. Toronto: Vintage Canada