What does the Sandusky case tell us about 'this community'?

Today was a huge day finding former assistance football coach Jerry Sandusky of Penn State University guilty of charges related to boy's sexual abuse.  I loosely followed the recent court case, purposely not becoming immersed in the fine details; the whole thing provokes anger within me and I chose not subject myself to that.

What matters most to me is how the victims are doing. I think about the tremendous struggle each and every one of those victims had to go through in order to finally speak their voice and be heard. They were not heard so many times before. I do not believe the average person can begin to grasp just how extremely difficult this was on each and every one of them. I wonder if it feels to them like too little too late; that maybe they themselves have lost so much in their young lives because of the emotional and mental burden of the abuse that it does not matter anymore. I wonder if the toll of the trauma can allow them to feel any vindication for the verdict result. What matters most to me is how the lives of these individuals were forever changed and not just when the abuse itself took place but by how their 'village', their communities and the people around them did not stand up. What does this tell us of this community?

Is it not interesting that it took as many years as it did for charges and ultimately this court case to be heard? Is it not interesting that victims had told people in their lives of the abuse and that it was denied or ridiculed, scoffed at and ignored? Is it not interesting that these victims were reported to have been screaming for help in the Sandusky home and Mrs. Sandusky did not hear anything? What does this tell us about this community?

The amount of people other than Sandusky himself that knew or ought to have known of the abuse is beyond comprehensible. How can a just society continue to actually support crimes of this nature and this magnitude completely under the radar of so many? And support the sexual abuse is exactly what they did. Shame on all of you. You know who you are. You did not need to be a blood relative to pick on cues and changes in personalities and behaviours in the victims in order to spark alarm and ask questions. What makes humanity turn a blind eye to such a severe situation? Where were the instinctive skills, the intuition to pick up on the many clues? And please do not say "but Johnny didn't seem any different to me" that is not true. He was different and you did not notice. Shame on you. What does this tell us about this community?

I mentioned at the onset of this blog that I purposely did not immerse myself in all of the gory details related to this abuse trial. One must be aware and self-reflect on what this case provokes within you and turn it around, make this your opportunity not to spur more hate and anger but to look around you, be aware of what is going on in your community. Take notice and stand up for what you believe in; children and youth dependent on their 'village' in order to develp and grow into who they are meant to become. Each one of Sandusky's victims was let down by those around them and that rejection, that abandonment very likely is equally if not more tragic and traumatizing than the abuse itself. I can not even begin to fathom what this was like to experience. What does this tell us about this community?

I think about and pray for humanity to wake up and protect their own.; to realize they can make a real and positive difference in the life of a child or youth and that they have an obligation to do so. Now what would that tell us about a community; this awakening? I think I know, it would tell us that people matter more than money. Imagine. What a concept.

Julie
#BoysNeedtoFeel

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play

Title: By: Julie Clarke, BCYC, CYC (Cert.) 

I think most parents would agree that travelling with children or youth, can be serious business! Your trip could be a day trip or extended family vacation; there is always potential for sadness, fatigue, anxiousness and general stress. These feelings can be felt by child or adult! Thinking of things like how much will it cost? Are special nutrition or accommodations needs; how will these be met en route? Will my toddler miss her afternoon nap? Will we get lost? The decision to travel is the adult's decision usually not the child therefore in this context let us take a moment to think about how to make this dynamic work; it can work.

Families can overcome some of the stresses of travelling. As we move towards the summer season where new adventures are likely it is important to keep plans realistic. For example, if there is extended travelling in a vehicle plan to go for a walk the next day and find a neighbourhood park; there is nothing like discovering a new play structure! Even a pond to throw rocks in, this is one of the most fun things for a toddler to do! If there is an event that requires your attendance and this is the reason for your journey ensure there are periods of down time. More importantly do not rush the children, ensure the down time is genuine and simple; usually the activities that cost nothing are the best ones! Limit distractions such as cell phones or even personal worries about what is to come. Take the time to enjoy the day for what it is; force yourself to see if through their eyes. The goal is for the child or youth to add one more memory to their memory bank; bonding experiences that can help enhance self-confidence and self-esteem. These moments create memories of love and reassurance not aggravation and frustration.

Our role as parents is to guide our children, to walk alongside them on their life journey. Travelling has the potential to push kids abruptly through tight deadlines and knock schedules off kilter; a sure recipe for disaster and unhappiness for everyone! So my advice is to stop playing seriously, stop planning every intricate detail of your get-a-way. We all do this! We think things like 'we have to go do this because we have come all this way' or 'we can play on a play structure at home, we did not come all this way to play on a play structure'. Travelling cannot be about rushing here and getting there; traveling must be more about the experience in general and what  you as the adult in your child's life can offer on this excursion. There are many opportunities to learn new things. Here are some fine words to lead you towards your vacation planning and to help you establish your priorities:

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.   

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

— Diane Loomans

May your vacation dreams come true!

@boysneedtofeel

Translate this experience to the child who walks beside you....

I came across this written piece that moved me and I wanted to share it with you all. As you read it I encourage you to reach that inner child within you and then translate the experience to your child who walks beside each and every day...Julie

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don’t.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it’s all right to cry.


When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I looked at you and wanted to say, ‘Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.

You are your children’s most precious gift!

Author Unknown

Why we need to nurture ourselves to be better parents

“If we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” Dr. Wayne Dyer

As a child and youth care practitioner working with a highly vulnerable population, it is virtually impossible for me to do my job well if I am not healthy. This is why self-care is of tremendous importance in our field but also a skill that benefits me personally; it is a skill that can benefit you as well.

What is self-care? In the context of you an individual rather than as a parent to your child, self-care is one’s ability to recognize and honour oneself through the regular practice of nurturance. This practice fosters optimal growth and personal potential in a positive and healthy way. For moms, in particular, there is a tendency to do unto others, to be the best employee, the best mother, the best wife and to forego enjoying acts of self-nurturance. For dads, there may be pressures related to financially supporting the family and ensuring there is enough money to cover monthly expenses. These are some realistic examples of our culture and it is important to note that self-care is not meant to invade space but to enhance space; it is not meant to be one more thing to do at the end of the day. It is meant to integrate and weave into each day to help provide balance.

If self-care is practiced regularly, I believe it can open one up to the concept of mindfulness, the enhancing of personal self-reflection helping one grow into new awareness about oneself; awareness not previously obvious due to an inability to reflect. This inability may be due to the lack of knowledge around this topic as well as limited time in each of our days. How can this affect us as parents? Daily life stress, unhealthy eating and lack of self-care can mask our moods and our best intentions towards our children. It is our obligation as role models to our children to be keen and aware that this negative cycle is alive and well in our everyday lives.

Mindfulness, this awareness space in our lives that we intentionally create is where a new understanding of who we are as parents to our children can emerge. Think of the potential here. Space in our lives? What a concept! What does this mean? Mindfulness through self-care nurturance can begin to open more space and opportunity to find places of understanding towards who we need to be as a parent for our child(ren).

Self-care and doing something for oneself is not an open invitation to drink oneself into oblivion or a free ride to negate all of your responsibilities and duties in your life. This is not what self-care is. Self-care will be different for every person.

Self-care can be a big ticket item such as a family vacation in the sunny south or it can be as simple as taking the time in your busy day to enjoy a hot cup of tea with no distractions. This is one of my personal favourites and one that can fit into any busy day! Self-care could be the twenty-minute walk with your dog or sitting by a warm fire. These are just some examples and the opportunities are endless. There are no limitations and the smaller more intimate acts of nurturance are usually the ones that can string you through the most difficult of days and are therefore the most effective.

The intention behind self-care is not to pleasure oneself but to honour oneself, to embrace who we are as individuals whether it is as a parent, a hard-working employee or a son or daughter. In each day, it is an opportunity to take moments to embrace accomplishments and to acknowledge where we are at in our lives. It is also a regular practice that can evoke excitement about what is to come. If things are extremely busy, I know I still have a nice hot green tea I can look forward to that will ground me back into myself and out of the busyness of life. I am committed to being the best parent I can be and this is not always possible, given daily life struggles and circumstances. We are all human.

Julie can be reached at julie@independentcyc.com

Recent article submitted for parent-child guidebook...

Hi all,

I wanted to share with you my article for an upcoming publication for a parent-child guidebook. I am gearing up for the start of a new boys group in the new year and am excited to begin blogging once again. Please feel free to share your thoughts/questions/concerns with me!

Enjoy #BoysNeedtoFeel

Winter Hazards, The Vulnerability of Losing Connectedness with your Child

By: Julie Clarke, BCYC, OACYC Member 

During the winter months a family's days tend to get busier with the start of the new school year and the onset of the new season's various extracurricular activities. It is not abnormal for parents to be in two separate places tending to the interests of their children while grabbing a quick fix dinner in order to make it on time; this while daylight diminishes and the temperature dips to unbearable cold. These added stresses combined with the many hazards of winter can be of concern to some families leaving them vulnerable to higher levels of daily stress. Stress can lead to regular familial fighting and lack of communication with one another leaving children and youth vulnerable and disconnected from the adults in their life.

Winter can be a season of opportunities in re-connecting with loved ones. Just as the date on the calendar is marked for that next hockey practice or dance lesson parents can plan ahead for that family game night or a movie outing for the newest premiere. What is it that your family enjoys doing together? Is it getting bundled up for a long walk on one of the local trails? Is it staying in your pyjamas all day and preparing a nice meal and an even better dessert with your kids? Winter can enhance family togetherness which is important in the life of a child or youth.

Why is family togetherness important? Firstly let me clarify. Family togetherness is not taking your child to the rink to watch him/her play hockey or figure skate. Family togetherness is not being distracted by the e-mails, smart phones, video games or other forms of technology. Family togetherness in the spirit of what I am referring to here is creating opportunities to reconnect as one. A family. Family togetherness is meant to occupy the space in which your child our youth lives and for an extended period of time; it means stepping out of our adult world and stepping into our child's world. No distractions.

As parents and guardians of children and youth, making plans to regularly connect with one another enhances the relationship between you. This relationship matters at a very deep level.

Creating opportunities where there are no outcomes pertaining to a win or a loss, where there is no competition and even less formality around "rules" pertaining to fun can surpass all expectations. In fact I will even bet that in time as this routine becomes regular practice, your child will be asking about the next family day! There needs to be consistency and commitment to do this however and with this consistency and commitment the relationship will flourish. There are no quick fixes; there are no complex remedies in connecting with your child. True, wholesome togetherness fulfills the needs of all children young and old and the result is a natural bond between adult and child. This bond grows a child into maturity, it helps them to build a solid, concrete foundation; a strong sense of self.

During the long cold winter ahead be aware of the emotional hazards thrust upon children and youth in ways that are not intended, our lives are busy in today's world. Securing precious time and opportunities to simply 'be' with your child is a great way to connect and dig through that long cold winter!

Julie Clarke is a graduate of the Bachelor of Child and Youth Care program through the University of Victoria. She is a member of the Ontario Association of Child and Youth Counsellors and Ottawa Neufeld Community. She is working independently in and around the community.

My 2009 letter to a "National Youth Organization"...

I am posting a copy of my letter to a "National Youth Organization" that I wrote in 2009. Since this letter nothing has happened in our county and this saddens me.

In recent news (Teen Suicides in Small Town ) and a possible upcoming election I wanted to share my efforts at trying to make a difference. I believe 100% that children, youth and families are missing out on opportunities for assistance because the social service sector, as it relates to child and youth mental health, is not deemed an essential service. There are a lot of people - individuals and families who are suffering needlessly and something needs to be done. Please read my letter below and let me know your questions or comments.

                                                                                                December 8, 2009 

Dear “National Youth Organization”,

I am contacting you both today to express my concerns around the recent decision by “National Youth Organization” to have “Sandra’s” role be more of a fundraising role rather than an awareness role in our County. This may be the case [the role function] for all of “Sandra’s” territories and ““National Youth Organization” as a whole but obviously my main concern is with our area.

I understand that “National Youth Organization” is in a position where much needed funds are required in order to keep the “National Youth Organization” program fully operational. I hope that the organization can sustain the current level of 24/7 service to all children and youth because as you both know, this service is so essential for their mental health, well-being and positive development.

My original contact to “National Youth Organization” in February 2008 was to see how I could help raise the awareness of this great service in our area. I was immediately patched over to “Mary” who as you both know was also in a fundraising role. I decided not to pursue any type of fundraising at this time because I felt our small town could not withstand yet another community fundraiser. In November of the same year I got back in touch with “Mary” and was told that fundraising was the main way I could help out “National Youth Organization”. It was at this time that I asked about the numbers [of kids who use the service] for our area and it was because the numbers were so much higher than I anticipated I decided to pursue the “major fundraising event” for 2009. Hence, I was fulfilling a need for “National Youth Organization” to fundraise. Here we are now December 2009 and I am told that this is still all that can be done? Fundraise. How can we expect people to donate money to a cause they know little to nothing about?!

I admit that I am disappointed that having “Sandra” in Ottawa isn’t as much a positive impact on our area here as I had initially thought it was going to be. Maybe this was wishful thinking on my part but I say this because it was my hope and my belief that part of her job would be to help raise the profile of “National Youth Organization”” in my County. Make connections with important people and important organizations. Things I am just not able to do as a volunteer. Basically, I feel as though we are not important enough in this area because we don’t generate the big money like Ottawa, Toronto, Kingston “major fundraising event” sites do. I realize that is a big statement but that is the message I am getting about this decision to focus on fundraising and not awareness.

Let me inform you a bit about our County. The area is unique, it is geographically large and the county has one in eight families living in poverty (reference). I’ve attached a copy of a submission to Poverty Reduction Cabinet Committee in Queen’s Park, Toronto for your perusal.

Also, I’ve recently reviewed a final report on Mental Health, Mental Illness and Addiction entitled “OUT OF THE SHADOWS AT LAST TRANSFORMING MENTAL HEALTH, MENTAL ILLNESS AND ADDICTION SERVICES IN CANADA” authored by The Standing Senate Committee on Social Affairs, Science and Technology - The Honourable Michael J.L.Kirby, Chair and The Honourable Wilbert Joseph Keon, Deputy Chair in May 2006. I encourage you to access and peruse this report online at Mental Health, Mental Illness & Addiction . Chapter 6 is of particular interest as it relates to Children & Youth.

I would encourage you and others at “National Youth Organization” to review this report. Section 6.2.2.1.2  -  Practical Roadblocks speaks about a gap in schools where there is no service available to help schools and the kids in schools deal with potential problems that may come up if mental health screenings were transferred to schools (which is one of the report high-lights). I see huge opportunities for expanding “National Youth Organization” as an essential type service to school boards in and across our County and elsewhere. But again, how can this happen if people aren’t being dedicated to enhancing and increasing this awareness? In fact I will boldly state that I believe so much in the importance of “National Youth Organization” and what the counselors do for children, youth and their families that I think the service should be deemed essential. Helping the kids should be priority one – not fundraising!

I realize I’ve thrown a lot out there in just one e-mail so I will wrap this up for now.

I would appreciate if you both would take some time to review and consider what I have provided to you here and maybe we can arrange to have a further meeting to discuss this in more detail.

I am asking “National Youth Organization” to please re-consider their views towards our County as the need is tremendous in my opinion and we can’t afford to sit back and wait to raise money. We have to raise the awareness now and then seek out the money as the awareness grows and people know about the positive aspects of the service. I struggled with the “Toronto” address, the large city image and corporate branding last year. I struggled with convincing and encouraging people to come on board and support the “National Youth Organization” here in our small community that the service was here to help us – not just people in Toronto. I started building the relationship, bridging the gap between the big city and the small urban towns. Please do not turn a blind eye and make people’s perceptions as I’ve described it the true reality.

Regards,

Julie

                                                                                     

*All organizational and personal names have been changed to protect identities.

Counterwill and my being real…

Yes I am a Child and Youth Care practitioner. I am also a mom and most of all a human being. I am not perfect and I never will be. As a professional of course I strive to help others and guide them through their rough times and support them in their difficult times. I always act ethically and separate me as a mother from me as a professional, they are two entirely different roles.
 

This past week I have encountered what I would describe and how Dr. Gordon Neufeld labels it, something called COUNTERWILL. What is countwill you wonder? It is “an instinctive, automatic resistance to any sense of being forced”, any sense of being forced? Isn’t this what we as parents do on a daily basis? Brush your teeth, make your bed, do your homework blah, blah, blah. Don’t we constantly ask kids to do something they just don’t want to do? Isn’t that our jobs? These are the many questions that go through someone’s mind when I say this. Counterwill is a trigger activated when a person feels controlled or pressured to do something that someone else wants us to do i.e. “bidding” and it is manifested in many, many ways.

This past week I was dealing with a highly emotional situation involving my own (soon to be 11 year old) son. It was counterwill at its worst – both from him and from me. It was a “push/shove” match where he was not budging nor was I. The more I said I didn’t want to hear him say that curse word again the more he asserted that he was in fact going to do it and that was that. The discussion got loud and there were tears. All of this right before he was to get on the bus for school. I felt terrible this happened, for me of all people, why can I not have a simple conversation where things are challenged I ask myself. This is where the two entirely different professional versus personal roles piece comes in…I am emotionally attached to my son so it is hard to be objective in situations like this.

Dr. Neufeld speaks about the importance of “collecting” our kids. He says to make eye contact, smile and nod; to do this before addressing a need or an expectation that we require the child to do. I did not do this on this frantic morning the have-to-hurry-up-and-catch-the-bus-or-they’ll-be-late morning. My son and I were not in “attachment” with one another at this moment.

Not being in attachment with my son. This is a vast concept that is discussed at length by Dr. Neufeld in his book and a concept I am still learning about. This not being in attachment with my son at this given moment is however, a slice of reality not just in my world but I believe in others worlds as well. Have you not had good intentions with your kids that quickly go astray under pressure? Or better yet quickly go astray because of some other unknown, unpredicted circumstance?

I am here to tell you, it happens to the best of us. This doesn’t make me feeling any better about my circumstance with my son but in knowing I strive to do my best and will keep going and that I am likely not the only parent who feels this way I can embrace my vulnerability in this regard. I am not perfect!

I am confident that parents have a good heart, that they try and do the very best they can do on a given day. I am not better than anyone because I have studied what it takes to help children, youth and families. I too am a human being just trying to do my best at the parenting thing. I slip up too. I get right back up on that horse and keep in going. This is what we do as parents, we keep on truckin’! Happy Parenting!

#boysneedtofeel

Neufeld, G. & Mate, G. (2004). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more    

than peers. Toronto: Vintage Canada