My Instinct to Guard My Possessions versus Allowing Myself to Genuinely Engage with Others is Trying to Get the Better of Me

My Instinct to Guard My Possessions versus Allowing Myself to Genuinely Engage with Others is Trying to Get the Better of Me.

I recently ventured from home and into town to retrieve some steaks for dinner. My instinct to guard my possessions versus allowing myself to genuinely engage with another person is trying to get the better of me. I found myself having a renewed experience of what it is like to be treated with genuine kindness and respect and how this ultimately turned into positive feelings within me. I had to surrender to the experience; it was not without its struggles. Sounds silly doesn't it? It did to me too.

Because I work with children and youth and advocate for positive relationships between people, I work at building attachments I cannot help but make connections between my adult experiences and who I want to be as a helper to these kids. We never truly have things all figured out, it's always a work in progress. Always.

I drove up to a local garage to get air for a tire on my SUV. I did not have an appointment and had not previously spoken to anyone at the garage. They did not know I was coming on this day, nor did I frankly because I thought I had solved the problem of the "check tire" light a week ago. Apparently this was not the case; today I think there is a slow leak and now it is feeling odd when I steer, something is wrong. This did not happen last time and my thought process immediately brings me down the path of - I can't give up my car to get fixed! I don't have time for this! I push these thoughts away and temporarily plan to fill the tire with air again. It worked last time so I'll do it again and I'll be fine for now I tell myself believingly. But, I secretly know that I should not do this, more than likely the tire will go completely flat when I am ready to leave work at 12am and forty-five minutes from home! I know this yet I want to fill the tire with air anyways and carry on with my day. I'll get it checked another day.

As I proceed up to the air pump at the garage I speak with one of the mechanics standing out front I ask him for a tire gauge (this is what I did last time) I tell him what I think my problem is, that I have a slow leak. This gentleman is an older man, older than the teen I interacted with a week ago who quite distractedly filled my tire with air and carried on with checking out the antique car that had just pulled in.

He did what I asked him to and nothing more. I was satisfied with that.

On this particular day though the mechanic I spoke to says to me "Do you have something to do right now?" I say "Yes, I am going to get some steaks down the block".  He tells me "Go get your steaks and by the time you come back we'll have checked if there was a leak or not". Oh. I had not planned on that. Really? Is it that simple to get it fixed? I start to wonder (in the 1/2 second I have until the face to face communication starts to get awkward because I am obviously hesitating), do I just leave my vehicle with this man? My son's laptop is in there and this is my not so cheap SUV. Do I just leave it here and walk down a couple of blocks and get my steaks?

Reluctantly I reply "OK, I'll be back". I am making a split second decision to have faith that I will get my car and everything in it back just fine. This man is genuinely trying to help me because he wants to and because he can. He's just being kind I tell myself unconvincingly.

I venture down the block and spot two people I know and decide to go over and chat. Of course I mention my story and seek reassurance from them, my car is OK there, right? They reassure me that I have not been gone from town that long (meaning if I wasn't from town the car wouldn't be fine?!) and proceed to the butchery to make my steak purchase.

I do not know why I am thinking my vehicle and/or something in it is going to be stolen. My pessimistic thoughts start to diminish but they do not leave me entirely. My instinct to guard my possessions versus allowing myself to genuinely engage with others is trying to get the better of me. Is this what happens to us as we age? As we gain more understanding of the crazy world we live in and all the 'bad' things that happen? Can someone not make a nice gesture to help another person not be seen for what it is rather than a potential crime in progress? Stop being silly I tell myself. This is so much more about me than it is about anyone else.

I choose my steaks and the butchery owner starts chatting with me. He had spotted my boys at a local Motorsport venue a couple of weeks ago, he wonders if they want to take up the sport and he tries to sell me a motorbike. I smile and chat with him but all things considered all I want to do is leave. I have to get back to my car. This internal struggle of 'its fine' versus 'did I just hand over my car to be stolen' is nagging at me.

The simplicity of basic, primal human connection; trust, respect, kindness is very, very powerful. I know this intuitively and I practice this in all the work I do with kids but here I am being tripped up. I wonder why it is so hard in today's world. Have we lost a big piece of human relationships and how to connect with one another genuinely to wayward fears that the local garage repair shop is going to risk stealing my possessions? Are we (and alternatively am I) so broken in my life experiences that I cannot recognize genuine kindness? Whoa. This could be a big problem. This kind of thinking can, will and does leave our children and youth vulnerable and at risk.

We never have things entirely figured out. We must strive towards a life lived and "being comfortable being uncomfortable".   

I return to my vehicle at the garage. They are finishing putting the bolts back on and confirm there was a hole in the tire. They have repaired it. Fearfully, I ask how much it is going to cost. Having absolutely no idea and thinking because of the quick on the spot service they will charge me $80.00 or something ridiculous. Yes we have all experienced situations like this! He pauses and thinks, "Um $18.00 please". Wow! $18.00 maybe this is all legit I think. My doubt is starting to sway more at this point. I proceed to pay and once again return outside. There is a fancy gadget underneath my vehicle and I am told the tire now has to be torqued. OK, maybe I will run over to the coffee shop and grab a tea. The mechanic reaches into his pocket and hands me a toonie ($2.00 coin in Canada) and asks for a medium "double double". Is this really happening?

I start the chuckle to myself for the foolishness of ever doubting that my experience today in getting air for my tire is anything less than kindness and respect for mankind. This whole thing was just silly. At this point I tossed my steaks on the front passenger seat of my vehicle knowing they would be safe there until I returned!

My story doesn't end here. 

My faith is restored in the kindness of others as I am standing in line at the coffee shop to order our drinks. The man in front of me is ordering a wonderful lunch for his lunch date sitting at a nearby table. I observe the lunch date to be physically struggling with some kind of hand tremor. He looks old and frail, but not due to age more like life circumstances. Whatever he was struggling with he sure had a good friend treating him to a wholesome lunch and the "biggest hot chocolate" he could get. The look on the man's face when he got his lunch was priceless. It warmed my heart immensely.

The woman behind the counter looks and apologizes to me for taking a long time to help me with my order. What she doesn't know is that at this point for me, it just doesn't matter anymore. My faith in humanity has been restored, take all the time you need! It is not about me and needing to get anywhere, it's not about me worrying about my SUV or my son's laptop, I'm not worried at all anymore. This is small town down to earth goodness.

Always embrace openness towards others in your life. Challenge yourself to see the good in others before you see the bad. Life is too short. I am thankful for my experience and the new things I continue to learn about myself that can quickly get the better of any one of us at any time. Today was one of the most enriching day of my life, all thirty minutes of it.

#BoysNeedtoFeel

We can keep our kids engaged we simply must realize how we are seeking out the engagement.

By: Julie Clarke, BCYC, CYC (Cert.) 

                                  

When we are asked to engage children either personally or professionally we must be keenly aware of our personal agenda towards that child. Is our agenda to teach him how to add 2+2, is our agenda to prevent a bully from bullying another child, is our agenda to rudely assert that you didn't get back the exact change you were supposed to? Adults have agendas when interacting with children and youth; it is the natural hierarchy in our society and although it needs to be this way there are more appropriate ways to engage our younger generations. Unfortunately engaging a child in an authoritarian way has become the norm in today's culture; where expectations for young people are to respond to adults robotically.

Adult interactions with children and youth can create moments of connection that help the individual to experience how being respected feels, how being listened to matters. Studies have proven that children can grow into resilience and responsibility by having at least one positive adult role model in their lives. Your interaction with them does not need to be long term; it does not need to be on a constant or regular basis. A positive adult-child interaction can set the tone for future more established relationships for this young person; it models to them how nice it feels to be treated like a person. Think about that great waiter or waitress who made your experience a wonderful one; these may the people you left a bigger tip to because of how you felt! These learned experiences create opportunities not only temporarily for a young person but lays the groundwork for how he in turn treats others. These experiences help young people gain security, self-confidence and self-esteem; all wonderful attributes towards becoming an adult.

We can keep our kids engaged we simply must realize how we are seeking out the engagement.

Our interactions with each child we find ourselves crossing paths with should always be approached with a specific greeting ritual; a nice smile and eye contact. It is always good too if we can somehow find commonalities with one another (my bedroom sometimes gets messy too!). This primal and I think you will agree very basic greeting ritual will establish a tone for the interaction. Try it! There is no better way to engage a child and to keep them engaged. If you have an agenda to get the child to clean their room for example, often times after establishing initial contact in this way - with a smile, eye contact and commonalities - we can interject our request (agenda) and almost like magic we can watch the child agree to the request. It really can be that easy! We must always think about our agendas as adults in the life of a child in order to ensuring we are not imposing on the child but empowering them to want to do what it is we are asking from them. No yelling or multiple requests required!

The "Green-Eyed Monster"

One of our family's beloved books was the Berenstain Bears "TheGreen Eyed Monster"; "when another bear gets something new, the green-eyed monster makes you want one too". I love this book and the message Stan and Jan Berenstain teach to us through their animations.

I had a really wonderful day with my kids recently. We had the flow and balance right and there was little to no squabbles most of day. This was fairly substantial and worth noting for two reasons 1.) It never happens and 2.) The younger of the two children had recently purchased a small notebook computer. Here is where the "green-eyed monster" comes in.

Anyone with more than one child knows this is a potential for disaster; what one child gets the other one wants the same of equal or more value! There are these natural competitive instincts that come out; especially with two boys close in age. The worst thing we can do as parents is give in and give them that something of equal or more value. The worst thing. There is no entitlement to this kind of equality; it is not something life has to offer.

The background on the technology purchase is slightly relevant in order to create a bit of a context. It was planned to buy a small laptop as recommended by my son's teacher (teachers recommending parents buy technology to help students at school is a whole other blog topic!). My son used a good portion of his savings to buy the laptop and we accessed a great sale in order to make the purchase.

On the day of the laptop purchase and throughout the day there were "green-eyed monster" moments from older brother. I remained quiet and intent on sitting back and watching how the two brothers were able to make this work; after all this type of scenario has potential to trigger sibling rivalry and ultimately hurt feelings. The fact that this technology had up until this point avoided a World War III confrontation between the brothers was fascinating to me. As I mentioned earlier our day was in good balance.

Dad arrived home after work. Later that evening when the intense feelings, the hurt and jealousy - the 'you have this and I want one too', when these feelings began to rear their ugly head my husband, in an attempt to minimize potential for angry outbursts/provoked fight very quickly offers older brother his iPhone! He had planned to replace the gadget soon and offered it in order to smooth what he anticipated to be a big confrontation.  WOW! Not my recommendation at all. Why not you ask?

It is not recommended that we immediately intervene such as the example I have discussed above. Why not? The answer is simple. Let the feelings be felt. It is of the utmost importance that we allow our children; especially boys live with and physically experience the intense emotions something like the "green-eyed monster" can trigger. My intention was not only to observe from the sidelines but to also create a safe space for my son to move from "mad to sad". What does "mad to sad" mean?

This term is often used by Dr. Gordon Neufeld (2003). It is intended to help adults in the lives of children understand the concept that we can safely and securely guide our children towards feelings of futility. Dr. Gordon Neufeld (2003) says bring on the tears! Our physiological make up intuitively heals us but we must allow the tears to flow. There must be a safe and secure place for this process to take place; a process that could take minutes, hours even days or months depending on the child and their environment. When this process is halted or intervened upon such as in my case Neufeld (2003) theorizes that the intense feelings result in aggressive behaviour. The concept behind reaching "tears of futility" as Neufeld (2003) says is to render a situation for what it is and move towards acceptance and ultimately build resilience in the child.

In my experience as I have shared it the laptop was purchased by younger brother for reasons related to school. Instead of older son reaching tears of futility the situation created resulted in a "Ha Ha I get an iPhone" and well you parents/guardians can imagine how that ended up!

#BoysNeedtoFeel

Source Reference:

Neufeld, G. (2003). "The Trouble With Kids These Days". SEA Magazine retrieved 11 August 2012 from: http://bctf.ca/diversity/resourceinventory/crosscurrents/spring03p15-22-42-48.pdf

What does the Sandusky case tell us about 'this community'?

Today was a huge day finding former assistance football coach Jerry Sandusky of Penn State University guilty of charges related to boy's sexual abuse.  I loosely followed the recent court case, purposely not becoming immersed in the fine details; the whole thing provokes anger within me and I chose not subject myself to that.

What matters most to me is how the victims are doing. I think about the tremendous struggle each and every one of those victims had to go through in order to finally speak their voice and be heard. They were not heard so many times before. I do not believe the average person can begin to grasp just how extremely difficult this was on each and every one of them. I wonder if it feels to them like too little too late; that maybe they themselves have lost so much in their young lives because of the emotional and mental burden of the abuse that it does not matter anymore. I wonder if the toll of the trauma can allow them to feel any vindication for the verdict result. What matters most to me is how the lives of these individuals were forever changed and not just when the abuse itself took place but by how their 'village', their communities and the people around them did not stand up. What does this tell us of this community?

Is it not interesting that it took as many years as it did for charges and ultimately this court case to be heard? Is it not interesting that victims had told people in their lives of the abuse and that it was denied or ridiculed, scoffed at and ignored? Is it not interesting that these victims were reported to have been screaming for help in the Sandusky home and Mrs. Sandusky did not hear anything? What does this tell us about this community?

The amount of people other than Sandusky himself that knew or ought to have known of the abuse is beyond comprehensible. How can a just society continue to actually support crimes of this nature and this magnitude completely under the radar of so many? And support the sexual abuse is exactly what they did. Shame on all of you. You know who you are. You did not need to be a blood relative to pick on cues and changes in personalities and behaviours in the victims in order to spark alarm and ask questions. What makes humanity turn a blind eye to such a severe situation? Where were the instinctive skills, the intuition to pick up on the many clues? And please do not say "but Johnny didn't seem any different to me" that is not true. He was different and you did not notice. Shame on you. What does this tell us about this community?

I mentioned at the onset of this blog that I purposely did not immerse myself in all of the gory details related to this abuse trial. One must be aware and self-reflect on what this case provokes within you and turn it around, make this your opportunity not to spur more hate and anger but to look around you, be aware of what is going on in your community. Take notice and stand up for what you believe in; children and youth dependent on their 'village' in order to develp and grow into who they are meant to become. Each one of Sandusky's victims was let down by those around them and that rejection, that abandonment very likely is equally if not more tragic and traumatizing than the abuse itself. I can not even begin to fathom what this was like to experience. What does this tell us about this community?

I think about and pray for humanity to wake up and protect their own.; to realize they can make a real and positive difference in the life of a child or youth and that they have an obligation to do so. Now what would that tell us about a community; this awakening? I think I know, it would tell us that people matter more than money. Imagine. What a concept.

Julie
#BoysNeedtoFeel

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play

Title: By: Julie Clarke, BCYC, CYC (Cert.) 

I think most parents would agree that travelling with children or youth, can be serious business! Your trip could be a day trip or extended family vacation; there is always potential for sadness, fatigue, anxiousness and general stress. These feelings can be felt by child or adult! Thinking of things like how much will it cost? Are special nutrition or accommodations needs; how will these be met en route? Will my toddler miss her afternoon nap? Will we get lost? The decision to travel is the adult's decision usually not the child therefore in this context let us take a moment to think about how to make this dynamic work; it can work.

Families can overcome some of the stresses of travelling. As we move towards the summer season where new adventures are likely it is important to keep plans realistic. For example, if there is extended travelling in a vehicle plan to go for a walk the next day and find a neighbourhood park; there is nothing like discovering a new play structure! Even a pond to throw rocks in, this is one of the most fun things for a toddler to do! If there is an event that requires your attendance and this is the reason for your journey ensure there are periods of down time. More importantly do not rush the children, ensure the down time is genuine and simple; usually the activities that cost nothing are the best ones! Limit distractions such as cell phones or even personal worries about what is to come. Take the time to enjoy the day for what it is; force yourself to see if through their eyes. The goal is for the child or youth to add one more memory to their memory bank; bonding experiences that can help enhance self-confidence and self-esteem. These moments create memories of love and reassurance not aggravation and frustration.

Our role as parents is to guide our children, to walk alongside them on their life journey. Travelling has the potential to push kids abruptly through tight deadlines and knock schedules off kilter; a sure recipe for disaster and unhappiness for everyone! So my advice is to stop playing seriously, stop planning every intricate detail of your get-a-way. We all do this! We think things like 'we have to go do this because we have come all this way' or 'we can play on a play structure at home, we did not come all this way to play on a play structure'. Travelling cannot be about rushing here and getting there; traveling must be more about the experience in general and what  you as the adult in your child's life can offer on this excursion. There are many opportunities to learn new things. Here are some fine words to lead you towards your vacation planning and to help you establish your priorities:

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.   

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

— Diane Loomans

May your vacation dreams come true!

@boysneedtofeel

Translate this experience to the child who walks beside you....

I came across this written piece that moved me and I wanted to share it with you all. As you read it I encourage you to reach that inner child within you and then translate the experience to your child who walks beside each and every day...Julie

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don’t.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it’s all right to cry.


When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I looked at you and wanted to say, ‘Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.

You are your children’s most precious gift!

Author Unknown

Why we need to nurture ourselves to be better parents

“If we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” Dr. Wayne Dyer

As a child and youth care practitioner working with a highly vulnerable population, it is virtually impossible for me to do my job well if I am not healthy. This is why self-care is of tremendous importance in our field but also a skill that benefits me personally; it is a skill that can benefit you as well.

What is self-care? In the context of you an individual rather than as a parent to your child, self-care is one’s ability to recognize and honour oneself through the regular practice of nurturance. This practice fosters optimal growth and personal potential in a positive and healthy way. For moms, in particular, there is a tendency to do unto others, to be the best employee, the best mother, the best wife and to forego enjoying acts of self-nurturance. For dads, there may be pressures related to financially supporting the family and ensuring there is enough money to cover monthly expenses. These are some realistic examples of our culture and it is important to note that self-care is not meant to invade space but to enhance space; it is not meant to be one more thing to do at the end of the day. It is meant to integrate and weave into each day to help provide balance.

If self-care is practiced regularly, I believe it can open one up to the concept of mindfulness, the enhancing of personal self-reflection helping one grow into new awareness about oneself; awareness not previously obvious due to an inability to reflect. This inability may be due to the lack of knowledge around this topic as well as limited time in each of our days. How can this affect us as parents? Daily life stress, unhealthy eating and lack of self-care can mask our moods and our best intentions towards our children. It is our obligation as role models to our children to be keen and aware that this negative cycle is alive and well in our everyday lives.

Mindfulness, this awareness space in our lives that we intentionally create is where a new understanding of who we are as parents to our children can emerge. Think of the potential here. Space in our lives? What a concept! What does this mean? Mindfulness through self-care nurturance can begin to open more space and opportunity to find places of understanding towards who we need to be as a parent for our child(ren).

Self-care and doing something for oneself is not an open invitation to drink oneself into oblivion or a free ride to negate all of your responsibilities and duties in your life. This is not what self-care is. Self-care will be different for every person.

Self-care can be a big ticket item such as a family vacation in the sunny south or it can be as simple as taking the time in your busy day to enjoy a hot cup of tea with no distractions. This is one of my personal favourites and one that can fit into any busy day! Self-care could be the twenty-minute walk with your dog or sitting by a warm fire. These are just some examples and the opportunities are endless. There are no limitations and the smaller more intimate acts of nurturance are usually the ones that can string you through the most difficult of days and are therefore the most effective.

The intention behind self-care is not to pleasure oneself but to honour oneself, to embrace who we are as individuals whether it is as a parent, a hard-working employee or a son or daughter. In each day, it is an opportunity to take moments to embrace accomplishments and to acknowledge where we are at in our lives. It is also a regular practice that can evoke excitement about what is to come. If things are extremely busy, I know I still have a nice hot green tea I can look forward to that will ground me back into myself and out of the busyness of life. I am committed to being the best parent I can be and this is not always possible, given daily life struggles and circumstances. We are all human.

Julie can be reached at julie@independentcyc.com