My 12 year old son slept in a shack

Talk about a male bonding coming of age story. My 12 year old son* slept in a shack.

In November. 

We live in Canada.

I say to him "But it's November" he says to me, "Mom we're Canadian"!

 

            

 I quickly realize this conversation was going nowhere and more importantly the hesitation was mine, not theirs. It couldn't be about me, the whole situation was more important on a bigger developmental level than it was about my petty worries. These were 12 year old boys easily had the maturity to recognize the need to move inside if it was too cold to sleep in their shack. I remind myself how important it is to recognize when the time has come to ease up in order for our kids to grow and explore their identities, who they are in the world!

An old debilitated shack was acquired from a nearby cemetery. This notion and any superstitions one may have of what a shack, residing for years in a place where dead bodies lay, could be a part of my reluctance to go along with this winter overnight excursion. I'm a mom, my mind is running through all the harmful possibilities, even irrational ones like the dead zombie bodies will get them (I am totally kidding…although I guess it did cross my mind because I am writing it here!).

My concerns about harmful possibilities are quickly trumped by the enthusiasm in which these two young men desire to spend a night in their beloved shack. 

I realize I must find a way to support their wishes because again, this is not about me! It is about helping my son create lasting childhood memories, stories that he can tell others for years to come, experiences he can learn from (like the top bunk wasn't that comfortable after all)! And of course it is November in Canada and they won't last the night I tell myself.

The shack itself needed some renovating. When the shack arrived in September the boys promptly began to tear off old shingles, re-build walls and the floor as well as build a bunk area. The shack even had to be lifted in order to fix the floor. They renovated for a couple of months each day after school. They would make trips to the local hardware stores picking up supplies whenever they could hitch a ride with a family member and in between adult schedules. This got frustrating for them at times because they were not able to complete their project when they wanted to and had to rely on others. During these times there are many opportunities for me to provide some teaching around patience and respect for others! They hammered away for weeks, even with their age old hammers! The boys always had a goal of sleeping in the shack but I continued to secretly tell myself it won't happen, the weather is getting too cold and I won't have to worry. I had the weather on my side I thought.

Apparently this was not the case, cold weather or not the boys were determined to sleep in their shack. When the day finally came and the shack was renovated enough to be safe and secure for a sleepover I had a pit in my stomach; I thought I had at least put this possibility off until the spring time! It is funny how that works, when my agenda does not jive with that of my son. We must always be reminded to be open minded.

The two boys, their enthusiasm, planning skills and hard work renovating did not go unnoticed.Their teacher was curious about their project too as the boys were so preoccupied with their shack  plans that she saw little else being done at school! Thankfully the teacher recognized the shack renovation project was not just a big part of the boys lives but that there was tremendous skill being displayed by both of them. The planning, acquiring of materials and general labour skills are life lessons that cannot be taught in the classroom. We have happily provided her with photos of the shack!

So here we are. It's the night of the big sleepover and we are packing to sleep in the shack. I feel like I am having an out of body experience as I arrive at our destination and gather the belongings to head over to the shack. It is pitch black outside and it is a cold night. I am delivering what I am told to deliver: one small cot mattress, one sleeping bag, an extra blanket and one pillow (what no stuffed animal?!). I am still naturally worried but trying not to show it on my face as I vow to stand in support of this adventure! As I am unloading our vehicle the friend's father says to me "Well here we are" and I say "What have we got ourselves into?!". We both carried onwards delivering the sleeping goods continuing to comment to ourselves about the fact "they won't last" and "they'll be in the house in an hour". Yeap, that is what kept me going they'll head into the house and won't get eaten by wolves (oh did I forget to mention that this had crossed my mind as well…the documentary I watched recently on wolves attacking a family in Algonquin Park certainly did not help my cause here!).

As I am heading home I congratulate myself for letting go and going against my protective instinct. This excursion is so not about me it's about my son. To have held him back from this experience would have been detrimental to his sense of self and well-being. There were no wolves out to get him, there were no dead zombie bodies going to haunt them in their dreams and they were mature enough to realize if they had to retrieve to the warm house. I had to honour their wishes and desires to sleep in their beloved, newly renovated shack...

...I lasted until 2:00am! (Are your overprotective vibes a' vibrating?!?!)

I slept fine but when I woke up at this point I texted my son (yes I gave him my cell phone!). I was absolutely positive they would be sleeping soundly in the warm house.

They weren't!

They were still in the shack!

I burst into laughter and thought well they are showing us aren't they! They taped a paranormal activity'ish video and sent it to me as proof. It was not only hilarious it proved to me that even in the dark dead cold of night these two boys with their huge smiles and hysterical laughter were doing what they needed to do. They were loving every minute of the experience! I was 100% certain at this point that allowing and supporting thier shack adventure despite my safety concerns and the cold was the right thing to do. They were having the time of their lives and I will cherish that video forever.

Inside of a shack!

*A simple blog story about a very normal and realistic situation for parents based on fictional characters.

@BoysNeedtoFeel





Credits

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/876860/thumbs/r-CANADA-WINTER-FORECAST-huge.jpg

Restorative Justice, A Healing Community Initiative

By Julie Clarke, Child & Youth Care Practitioner


Restorative Justice has always been an interesting concept to me. The very idea that any one community is able to embrace the concepts of what restorative justice is, is a community I want to live in. Why? Because it demonstrates the power of people, the power of community and continues to ride along the path of something I have mentioned before; the village a child grows up in plays an enormous role in raising that child.

I have done community volunteer work before. As a busy mom to two pre-teen boys, a child and youth counsellor in private practice as well as inpatient/outpatient psychiatry at a local children's hospital how could I possibly have time to do volunteer work? I make time. I believe in giving back to my community. Plain and simple. Therefore I recently sought out a new volunteer opportunity and stumbled upon a community justice initiative in my local county. I pursued this program because of the very nature of what they do. This initiative plays a role in helping people heal, forgive and move forward in their lives. This is a big part of the work I do as a child and youth counsellor as well but my one on one work is not enough.

The Lanark County Community Justice Program defines restorative justice as "a systematic response to wrongdoing that emphasizes healing the wounds of victims, offenders and communities caused or revealed by the criminal behaviour". Healing the wounds of both victims and offenders! For some of you this will be an entirely new concept, how could one possibly even consider playing a role in healing the wounds of someone who wronged you, right? Is that what you are thinking? At the same time your thinking is on par with our cultural norms and views on who an offender is and how they should be treated. So I don't judge you but ask you to please listen up!

As a child and youth counsellor I aim to empower and motivate individuals to seek strengths within themselves. I can do this as an individual working with an individual. Most times I am also working with the families but I can only do so much, I am only one piece of a very large puzzle (see my previous posts where I mention Bronfenbrenner's (1994) Bioecological Theory of Human Development). Opportunities like the community justice initiative do tremendous work in our communities, if these types of programs do not exist then the one piece of the puzzle I am able to do as a mental health care worker is unable to  be maintained adequately. This is especially within the adolescent population! If programs like restorative justice are not available or offered in our communities then we have failed our people; young and old alike! Those who find themselves involved in the justice system are denied opportunities to repent and accept responsibility for their choices. For anyone who has been a part of the justice system be it as an offender, victim or otherwise it is a very difficult and complex system to be involved in. I won't even begin to summarize here the feelings and/or emotions that go along with a justice experience, just know they are not positive.

 

Community justice initiatives like the restorative justice programs help communities to de-stigmatize.

Imagine. In a time where stigma and mental health are hot topics and in the news regularly, imagine a program that can help de-stigmatize? Imagine a program that can assist in healing individual's both emotionally and mentally, help them restore a sense of health. Imagine a program that could prevent future mental health issues; things like depression even suicide. Would that not be a program you would want to be a part of?

As an offender or a victim imagine sitting in a room with people from your local community, trained facilitators in the restorative justice concepts who have already committed to be non-judgemental, caring and helpful people. Imagine them guiding everyone in the room along and through a process towards healing. This idea is one that when I envision it I see a big community hug; an embrace that at its most primal and basic level is tremendously powerful. It is positive human connection, something we all seek and need in our lives.

There are of course parameters set up in order to ensure these gatherings are successful but if both parties, the victim and the offender are open to what the program has to offer then the outcome can be life-long changes including a decrease in individual shame and self-deprication.

This post was inspired by a wonderful presentation I attended with my young son. It was given in a high school gymnasium with approximately 400+ students. I took my son out of school to attend this event as I felt it was a strong message that he hear at his vulnerable age of 12 years. Please check out the power of foregiveness and healing by Katy Hutchinson. This is her story:

My take home from the presentation was invaluable but with the work I do the thing that warmed my heart the most was that Ryan, the individual whom Katy was able to forgive has moved on with his life. Katy shared with us in the audience that they no longer work together and that Ryan has recently married and is moving forward with his life. Katy expressed that this is right and this is how it has to be. I see Katy as playing a role in this young man's happiness even through her difficult loss. The experience is tragic and the story will never be forgotten but it is what it is and through acceptance she too has been able to move on with her life. We humans have the power to heal one another. 

Happy Restorative Justice Week ! To find out more informatiom about Restorative Justice please go to Correctional Services Canada website at http://www.csc-scc.gc.ca/text/rj/crg-eng.shtml

@BoysNeedtoFeel

 

Sources


http://www.crcna.org/site_uploads/columns/link818_5.jpg
http://www.commjustice.org/ 
http://www.westcoastmen.org/sites/default/files/restorative_justice-handshake.jpg

Kids In School: Developing Beings and Why We Must Guard the Emotional Vulnerability

By: Julie Clarke, BCYC, CYC (Cert.)
Child & Youth Care Practitioner

A lot of the work I do with children and youth involves working in partnership with schools. It is not uncommon due to the number of hours our kids spend in the school environment; typically 5-7 hours each day five days a week. That is almost the equivalent of a full time job! Needless to say school is a large bio-ecosystem in a child's life and adults in the life of a child must be actively involved in the child's academic career.

According to Bronfenbrenner's (1994) Bioecological Theory of Human Development it describes the classroom as being is within the Microsystem of a child's life (the school board is within the Exosystem). You may click on the link to get a good visual of what I am talking about here. Basically when one views a child's life in this perspective we are able to gain a better understanding, a glimpse of the potential impacts on children; we can see how the child develops outside the nucleus of their immediate family. Together in this perspective plus the fact children attend school as adults would attend a full-time job we can begin to understand school and the enormous impact it has on any child or youth's day to day life. It is huge!

It is my hope through this blog story that I can create a snapshot of the importance of being involved in your child's academic career from junior kindergarten right through to high school and beyond. Please realize your child's academic career is at minimum 12-15 years long! Why should you be involved? So you can guide your child through their vulnerable years and ensure emotional health at the end of it. Something else to consider is the possibility that your child could develop a mental illness throughout these years, we can still ensure emotional health by being there for them. Our children are developing beings and are emotionally vulnerable. They grow at their own ideal pace. We have to guard this maturation process.

Parents/guardians/significant positive adult role models are imperative in the life of a developing child. We need to be there to interject wisdom, create safe and quiet spaces for them to talk and just 'be'; we need to listen and not respond with our biased opinions and life experiences (this is a hard one for most to do!).

A school system is not designed to focus on your child's emotional needs. In fact emotional needs of a child is not a number one priority for the education system. Have you ever considered this before? That schools are not designed to focus on the emotional needs of a child? Have you ever made a statement like - Why can't the school just… or How come they never noticed… or Why are they not doing anything about…Schools are not therapeutic environments. This reality is not a bad thing necessarily (although I do wish it were different but that is a whole other blog topic) because there are professionals who can better treat kids therapeutically than one who is trained as an educator. This includes parents/guardians and significant others. 

A school is a system that is designed to teach curriculum, it is designed to educate children on practical global skills to ensure their success in the adult world. It is designed with an economic foundation ensuring that our little ones can grow up and make a lot of money, not just for themselves  but for the economy. This is the reality of our global world.

The reality of what the school system is has been an evolving process for me. I have been actively involved in my kids academic lives since their first year of school.  A number of years ago I was asked to attend a parent symposium in Toronto, ON at the Ontario Minister of Education's office. When the former Minister of Education Leona Dombrowsky spoke to us in the audience (parents from all over Ontario, Canada) she referenced [the now former] Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty who had piggybacked a statement made by U.S. President Barack Obama just prior to her speech with us. The statement was something about schools and the importance of the younger generation being innovators, leaders and better than every other country; that being strong economically is the country that remains on top (Google Obama's views on education and you will know what I am talking about) in the world. After Ms. Dombrowsky's statement I recall thinking - Wow,  that is tremendous pressure for our young people. 

This story creates a picture of our political system (the Exosystem and yet another system…are we seeing a pattern here?) is setting kids up for failure. The standards are very high, so much so the schools will often brag about their progress on standardized testing but I will leave that for a future blog post too (I am realizing I have a lot to say on this topic!).

Back to the emotional piece and schools and why parents/guardians/significant positive adult role models must stay closely involved.

I have established and stated my views on schools not putting students' emotional needs at the top of their priority list and why that is, let me state another reason. It is important for schools to have policies and procedures. The policies and procedures are not just for academics or teaching or volunteering or fundraising or employment issues or….(it goes on and on the amount of policies and procedures). Schools are large institutions. There must be policies and procedures, there has to be some kind of organized structure in order to accommodate large numbers of people in a learning environment.

Beyond the simple day-today policies and procedures in schools there are similar documents that dictate  student conduct and behaviour. This is where the mental health piece comes into it for me and an area that I believe can use some major improvements. I reside in Ontario and one of the policies and procedures that govern schools is the Safe Schools Act, this Act became law in 2001. This Act introduced zero-tolerance practice and detailed how conduct and behaviour were to be addressed in schools. Listen closely.

Zero tolerance on any level and in any environment where there is a mass population of developing children and youth is the epitome of failure. Why? Because a developing child particularly youth/adolescents likely do not have the brain maturity to respond to situations that arise within the school environment. Conduct and behaviour aside their brains have not matured. What a concept. Stay with me here, sometimes those who are so behaviour focused will bypass this perspective because this is when it gets complicated and this is when we as adult's in the life of a child need to step in. Yeap, there is work to do not just a a finger to wave but work to do.

The school 'system' is a weak link in a child life; because of hard and fast rules related to behaviour and conduct this weak link is leaving some children/youth emotionally vulnerable. How can it not? They spend almost the equivalent of a full-time job every week! This is the power and interconnectedness of Bronfenbrenner's (1994) Bioecological Theory of Human Development.

Separating child development and emotional needs in favour of behaviour and conduct in a zero tolerance program is setting kids up for failure. This is why parents/guardians/significant positive adult role models must be actively involved in their child's academic career. There is no combating or overcoming the system for what it is. Get involved and be a part of the solution, advocate for your kids helping to guide them along towards their optimal potential in life.

You may wonder, did I not just state how important it was to have policies and procedure in the school environment and now I am talking about these same policies and procedures as a weak link. Yes I did. Look again at the Bioecological Theory of Human Development diagram and take another look at the interconnections of the various systems. There is no understanding one part without the other. The systems can not be separated but we can be aware of their existence and how the interrelate with our views and perceptions in life. Do you know someone who has never attended a school function/meeting/fundraiser/banquet/book sale etc.? There are lots of people out there who figure leave school at school. This perception is dangerous to the kid's in their lives. We can make a difference in the life of a young person who without us walk around with their head's down, hoodies up and hair in their faces. They are being lead down potentially dangerous paths of feeling unheard and misunderstood but mostly unsupported. We must ensure these kids are not labelled because of a lapse in judgement or a poor choice that they simply were not able to comprehend. These paths and labels perpetuate the emotional vulnerability, a sort of 'grey area' that is sometimes referred to as saying someone 'fell through the cracks'. The policies and procedures are ineffective because they are literally black text on a white page with little to no deviation, human emotions in the developing child especially are far more complex than this. 
 
With the onset of terms like bullying and cyber-bullying and the concepts surrounding this new phenomenon we must be mindful of our interactions with our young people and remember their emotional vulnerability. Policies and procedures and the Safe Schools Act play an important role in the hierarchy of our society but they do not have to play a role that overlooks important primal needs of young people growing into adulthood. We have to be advocates for our young people. @BoysNeedtoFeel




Credits

First Photo: http://i.livescience.com/images/i/19509/iFF/sad-girl.jpg?1314712592

Second Photo: http://thecolourworks.wordpress.com/2012/02/14/emotion-at-work/


Bronfrenbrenner, U. (1994). Ecological models of human development. In International Encyclopedia of Education, Vol. 3, 2nd. Ed. Oxford: Elsevier. Reprinted in: Gauvin, M. & Cole, M. (Eds.), Readings on the development of children, 2nd Ed. (1993, pp 37-43). NY: Freeman