There is So Much That Can Be Learned in the Span of Creating Quiet Space for Another Person

There is so much that can be heard in the span of creating quiet space for another person. Intentional, purposeful quiet space. No opinions, suggestions or two cents worth of words spoken.

Quiet space.

There is so much that can be learned in the span of creating quiet space for another person. Intentional, purposeful quiet space. No opinions, suggestions or two cents worth of words spoken.

Quiet space.

There is so much that can be realized in the span of creating quiet space for another person. Intentional, purposeful quiet space. No opinions, suggestions or two cents worth of words spoken.

Quiet space.

I hate everybody! No one cares about me! Life Sucks! No one listens to me! You Suck! They are so stupid! I hate myself! No one likes me! I feel so guilty! I am too fat! I hate my life! Shut Up! Don't Talk to Me!

Maintaining quiet space in amongst screams, yells and bold statements like those above is no easy task! There are high cultural expectations as to how one should respond in a situation where a young person is 'misbehaving'. Don't be swayed by others expectations though! Not only can quiet space be initiated, it must be done, maybe not in the exact moment but in a period shortly thereafter. As adults in the life of young people it is our responsibility not to maintain a particular authoritative stance and focus only on the words and the misbehaviour. Kids are not meant to be managed! We must validate feelings and emotions behind  behaviour. 

If the feelings and emotions are not validated the cycle continues as does the misbehaviour and this is an atrocity! 

We must not contribute to shutting down behaviour when clearly what is needed is some quiet space to work things out. Shutting down behaviour contributes to shutting down emotions; emotions that are within each of us that must get out! To allow these emotions to emerge in a safe place is to help build resilience and help reach a state of futility. It honours the individual and what they need and this is a number one goal (unless of course the behaviour involves chasing after a little brother about to hit them in the head with a die cast truck!) to focus on as parents and adults in the life of a child. We can do this through understanding and offer quiet spaces.

Firstly though some important personal self-reflection may need to take place (on a few levels). 

Ask yourself: Are you able to forgo focusing on behaviour (but not immediate safety risks) in favour of creating a quiet space? Are you able to forgo the stares of others in public who instill in their stares an expectation that you must immediately punish your child? Are you able to stand there and favour a connection with the child over and above others expectations around how misbehaviour should be handled?

If you don't think you can put your good intentions first, the relationship with the young person first  then please spend some time reflecting on why this is. Ask yourself, what do you value? What do you believe in? Why are you unable to overlook others' thoughts and opinions over connecting intimately with the young person. You could be a parent or a care-giving helper in this scenario.

If you think you can withstand the judgement of others and honour yourself as a parent, positive role model in the life of a child then begin to think about the quiet space. What is it and how it will look? Each scenario and circumstance will help what the quiet space is and how it emerges. This honor and respect process is intuitive and natural but often overlooked. It is a basic process that is no longer considered in favour of immediacy and profound expectations of what behaviour looks like for our young people. Our children are being misguided by adults in their life. Honouring, respecting and embracing them towards growth, maturity and adulthood has been lost in our culture. It is truly magical, however if one can begin to see things differently, begin to try something new and see that what was being done before no longer works. 

Be the change you want to see in our young people. 

Kids seek the quiet space but they have trouble finding it in our world today. Help them to find some quiet space and permit them to be the child they are.

The quiet space must offer no judgement, no timeline, no expectations. The space must have you in it with them and allow the young person to state what is on their mind; even if what they are saying sounds ridiculous and minute. It must be recognized that in this moment, whatever it is, it is important to the young person. What they are saying is important. What they are feeling is most important. Quiet space validates anothers feelings. This space is a tremendous gift that can be offered to a young person. We must honour this time and this peace all without saying one word. No interjections or comments, NO you should or you could or I would's...Let them express what is going on in their world...

If a young person feels validated they can quickly move from mad to sad

...and watch the emergence of who they are on a very deep level unfold! New realizations that come into play for the first time that begins to empower and motivate the individual. There is a solid  foundation forming, one to build upon and it is extremely powerful! 

And all you have done is offer a quiet space. It doesn't cost a penny.

A quiet and safe space to let them figure it out and begin to move towards an acceptance for what is versus what is not. These are strong lifelong skills to grow our children into and they need our help to facilitate these emotions, to feel them in a quiet space.

If we focus primarily on misbehaviour and punishment we lose the ability to connect, honour and validate the young person's feelings. We lose the ability to build strong relationships. We lose the ability to heal and empower. We lose the young person's trust in adults. This is what our world has come to. Go back to the quiet space.

Make a New Year's Resolution to honour the life of a child in 2013!

Happy New Year!

@BoysNeedtoFeel

References

Neufeld, G. (2010). Relationship Matters: Harnessing the Power of Attachment. A            professional development seminar. May 22, 2010. Ottawa, ON.